Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Cause Of His Blindness

Little Boy Lost took the mound for the futile, Fightin' Phils Tuesday night and showed the strain of a wasted youth masturbating to pictures of Barbra Streisand as Yentl.

It sure as shit looks like something has weakened his arm and blinded him.

Whatever the cause, “Scared Shitless” Gavin Floyd has the look of the loser perfected, figuratively and statistically. As "Backwoods" Chollie ended the torture with one out in the fourth inning, our little goofball kid pitcher looked all hangdog moping toward the dugout, the scoreboard blinding him with the crooked numbers he had put up against the Colorado Rockies, a team that could make a surprising run for the NL West Division flag.

By the time Geoff Geary came in and allowed two more of "Goober" Gavin’s runs to cross the plate, it was 7-1 and looked like a lost cause.

But no! The mighty Geary, hitting for himself due to a depleted bullpen, cranked out a double to right, scoring David Fucking Bell, and keeping a rally going in the bottom of the fourth that brought the Phils to within a run, 7-6. Looks like we had ourselves a barnburner. There was hope in South Philly.

But we cheesesteakers have long known the ultimate truth: Whenever there is hope, disaster awaits. Tonight’s finish, while not exactly a calamity, was a dud. The game plodded along for five more innings, two of which were played in a cold rain, others featuring Suzy Kolber selling lesbian cars between stanzas, and then…nothing. A vacuous zero. A Rockies bullpen shutting down the Phils, and a Phils bullpen shutting down the mighty Rockies.

This leads us back to The Lost Boy and his premature ejaculation problem. Or whatever is causing him to lose his concentration. His earned run average is currently an engorged 8.50 over four starts lasting a mere 18 innings. I know the kid needs time to find his groove in the majors, and you don’t want to stunt his confidence, but when is not good enough all the time good enough? How long until we stop dating? Is this some kind of arranged marriage? I don’t care if he’s got the best curveball in the league, if he can’t use it, we need to lose him. What good is having a foot-long dick if you can’t use it? Yentl would never stand for that.

Speaking of dicks, broadcast idiot Scott Graham continues to scratch his fingernails across the chalkboard with the bad similes – if you can even credit him for knowing what one is.

Of the weather, our lyrical friend surmised: “Somehow, in the middle of this, the 'Wizard of Oz' broke out in the weather.” So where was the wizard, Scott? Do you mean a movie broke out in the middle of the wind? Oh! You must mean the twister. I get it! Where’s the twister?

And, in what is becoming the local Italian version of blackface vaudeville, Graham giddily recounted his compulsory Sal Fasano story. You’ll never guess what movie got connected with today’s slapstick…could it be…um…“The Godfather?”

“Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in,” Graham quoted Fasano as quoting one of the “Godfather” flicks.

What I sincerely hope, Scott, is Sal makes you an offer one day you can’t refuse.


Anonymous ChuckM said...

I'll not comment on Floyds self-confidence or gumption as I really think it comes down to lack of tools. His fastball has no movement, therefore when he does find the strike zone with it, he also finds a bat that will thwack it or at least foul him off. He has only one effective pitch and that just does not cut it. Losing control of a pitch vs pitcher who was attempting to bunt and only not beaning him due to the guy sticking the bat up in his face to protect himself was truly a B-H Kim moment. Perhaps for his next start, the dismal Bucco bats may gift him a 6 inning start this Sunday where he at least doesnt melt, but for now, I will be intently checking out how Cole Hamels fares in his first start with SW-B this Thursday.

26/4/06 1:25 AM  
Blogger Tacony Lou said...

Yo Chuck,

I say we drop Floyd down NOW and bring Hamels up.

What grates me is how the Mets can bring Brian Bannister up with no experience and he thrives, while our arms stink up the joint.

Floyd ain't got stuff AND he's a head guess.

26/4/06 12:17 PM  

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