Sunday, April 23, 2006

Chollie Kills The Umpire


Baseball managers would sell their children into slavery to get the team out of a slump. Either that or get tossed out of a game by the umpire. Both moves get the team’s attention.

Today, “Backwoods” Chollie employed the latter method.

You could see it coming, because the first base umpire Dan Iassogna (as in Ya-Brogna), completely fucked up a bang-bang play that clearly showed our homey Chase Utley to be safe, thus costing the Phillies a run, a rare commodity for this team in the first inning. Even Voice of God Harry Kalas, whose vision has clouded with age, could tell it was a gigantic flub before the replay verified it for the universe.

Utley slammed down his helmet, got tossed from the game, and out lumbered a cussing Chollie to provide the day’s stimulation for Team Torpor and, as an added bonus, gave him a good cover to steal some whiskey from Rich Dubee’s desk drawer back in the clubhouse.

It’s a good thing nobody from the team grew up here. Otherwise they’d know that every umpire, official and referee employed by all four major sports are bribed to insure close calls always go the other team’s way – especially if the team is from Dallas.

The players think it’s cruel that fans boo them here? They should hear what the legions in Philly would like to do to umpires with various foreign objects.

Also fortunate is that the Fightins didn’t hear The Old Lady mock Marlins phenom Dan Uggla’s pop-up bunt in the top of the frame. If they had, it’d be a smaller part of team offense than it already is.

“That little pussy thing, the bunt,” she said, shriveling her soft skin in disgust. “Why do they do it? Are they’re going, ‘Look at me, I’m so sneaky?’”

Nothing was overheard though, and Chollie and Chase’s strategy worked, because it was in the next inning that Ryan “The Howitzer” Howard punished a first-pitch fastball 496 feet to dead center for the first run of the game, a truly majestic shot. In the next inning, he hit another to the bleachers in left to put the Phils ahead for good, 3-0. It was as if our young behemoth, in two big swings, said, “Fuck this shit. Let me give the umps something they can’t touch.”

“Baldy” Brett Myers – I know, he’s growing hair -- pitched well for the win, and the Marlins flailed away at his stuff like fish out of water. They managed only six hits off him and – will wonders never cease – just one hit over three innings off our relievers. The bad news was that the Phils could muster only six of their own, and, as the emerging pattern of the season remained true, all the runs scored as a result of Howard’s long balls. (The ones that went over the fence.)

David Dellucci, by the way, better raise his average above .111 soon or he’ll never get a fan club in the upper deck. I might have to take him to 9th Street to see the Fish Lady.

In honor of Chollie and Chase’s emerging anger skills, I will offer the following aphorisms sure to endear them to Phillies fans the world over. This is just a start, but I think the idea is pretty clear:


· "You know, I make $8 million a year, but I really do hate those cocksucking Braves."

· "Fuck the Mets, fuck New York."

· "I wish the Rangers were in our league so there was another team in Dallas I could hate as much as the fucking Cowboys."

· "Alcohol's for grownups. There’s something wrong with people who don't drink."

· "A pitcher has the right to throw one at a batter's noggin. I love fighting anyhow. Go ahead and charge the mound, asshole."

· "I like my cheesesteak 'with,' just like my women."

· "If you don't like Philly, leave. I would play here for free, motherfucker."

Now shut the fuck up, all of ya, and keep on winning games.

2 Comments:

Anonymous ChuckM said...

I was at the game yesterday and Howards bomb into Ashburn Alley was flabbergasting. (Lou, bad news, our buddy isnt working at Harry the K's anymore..) The win yesterday was the closest thing yet to the elusive "routine" victory I have been clamoring for. My only gripe would be that the Phillies were hacking at the plate against a pitcher who was struggling to throw strikes and should have chased this guy in the early innings. If Fasano looks like a stromboli maker at a corner shop circa 1980, Delucci looks like a waiter at an upscale Italian eatery who may get to be maitre'd one day if he is lucky. The Marlins second run should have been the third out but Deluccis weak off-line throw ensured the run. Burrell would have nailed the runner at the plate, no doubt about it. But all in all, it was a win and again, Gordon is men vs boys with batters. It was fun being perched behind home plate and watching him chainsaw through the Fish 1-2-3 in the 9th.

24/4/06 4:33 PM  
Blogger Tacony Lou said...

Chuck,

The team's had so few leads Gordon's good start has been invisible. Hello, Flash. You could be better than the Hillbilly when the money's down.

24/4/06 11:36 PM  

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