Thursday, April 20, 2006

Cousins, Cubans And Dykes

“I want you to stop watching the Phillies for a week,” the boy said. “Your life is too attached to baseball. It really is.”

Is that bad?

“Yeah, you watch the Phillies too much, and you go to the websites too much,” my son, Caesar, continued with the commanding authority that eight-year-olds are wont to assume. “Dad, how many minutes are in a day? Could you tell me?”

“Sure, there are 1,440 minutes in a day.”

“Wow. And how many seconds?”

I was starting to wonder if this was a setup, but it was all innocent. He has a geek’s love of numbers.

“Let’s see…” and I opened up the Windows calculator. “There are 86,400 seconds.”

Duly impressed, he dropped the topic, but as I relinquished control of the computer to His Mini-Me Excellency, I broached the topic with the Old Lady, figuring she’d get a chuckle.

“Why don’t you give the Phillies up for a week?” she asked, honestly, with all the forthrightness of a woman who has to share Her Old Man with somebody or something else, as she does.

“It ain’t happenin’ woman, you know that,” I instructed, or rather re-instructed, as she knows this is the “for worse” part of the relationship.

To be sure, the Phillies have been “for worse” this screamingly ugly month. The team’s inadequacies have been glaring, and maybe if they had studied the websites like the fans, they might not be trying to dig out of the hole they annually begin the season buried inside, as sure an April event as old Polish ladies in Port Richmond tending to their tiny gardens.

A record of 5-8 brings out more than the boobirds. It inspires a torrent of proposed radical solutions from the fans. Worse, some of the worst blustering idiocies come from the broadcast team.

Like this gem from Superwimp Scott Graham on Washington Nationals pitcher Livan Hernandez:

“It looks like you should have him in your control, but he’s got you right at the end of his rope.”

Even if you were a casual observer, you could see chubby Livan, who defected from Cuba back in 1997, was painting a picture of what it was like for a pitcher to be in control, not the other way around, and it didn’t look anything other than that. The punch-drunk look on Pat Burrell’s face after Hernandez manipulated his psyche like his daddy and had him looking at a slow, fat third strike said it all.

His exploits were not contained to the mound. In fact, he looked even more in control after his first hit of the evening, a no-doubt-about- it homerun that would make Phils’ slugger Ryan Howard proud. (Howard did, by the way, hit a two-run homer off him in the 2nd inning and later, won the game with a run-scoring single lashed to right off geriatric reliever Mike Stanton.)

Chris Wheeler was not to be outdone by Graham, as the Boy-Who-Was-Once-The-Statistician effused about how Hernandez’s teammates were joyous at his hitting prowess and that, “it’s got to be fun to watch on that side,” and later, after stepping up for his last at-bat having already gone 3-for-3 with two doubles beside the homer that “it’s like a picnic game to him.”

Well, the picnic was over soon after Hernandez was pulled to have his relievers fuck up his Conquista of South Philly by allowing the Fightins’ to tie the game after a two-run homer by “Clown Boy” Abreu and a run-scoring fielder’s choice grounder by pinch-hitting phenom David Dellucci, all .154 of him. Then, after 17 more Chevy commercials hosted by ESPN Dyke Suzy Kolber, Ryan laid all the remnants of Hernandez’s domination to rest.

Phils win, 7-6. The record creeps up to 6-8.

The boy now asleep, and the television liberated for The Old Lady, an endless variety of whore shows chattered in the background as she surfed. Dr. Phil’s show on “Unusual Marriages,” might have featured some of Chollie’s relatives, for all I know. He was interviewing come fornicatin’ cousins from Appalachia.

“We need more freaks in the world anyway,” the Old Lady opined. “Yeah, if Lou was my cousin, I’d marry him”


Anonymous ChuckM said...

After attending Tuesdays nights disaster down at the park, I had tuned out of last nights game in disgust in the 7th, pessimistic about any chance of a comeback win. I did come back just in time to watch Gordon take Nats batters backs out with the filth he was tossing and was pleased at the end result. However, I would just like for a change for the Phillies to execute a routine efficient win. One where the bats knock up a starting pitcher early, our starter goes 7+ strong innings, the middle/set-up pen guys do not piss away the lead, a few more runs tacked on in the late innings and for it to be closed out. A nice "boring" win is all I ask for at this point... As far as Floyd goes, looks like Fasano wet-nursed him through six, but I am not seeing anything "stuff"-wise from him that suggests to me that he is going to be anything more than a Randy Wolf third starter at best.

20/4/06 2:01 PM  
Blogger Tacony Lou said...


We need to send Floyd the Mandisa picture.

20/4/06 11:34 PM  
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