Thursday, April 20, 2006

Fuck Iran, Nuke The Phillies!


The game tonight was such a lopsided bore I could barely pay attention to the pukes playing out the final eight innings after getting behind, 5-0, before their first ups and losing 10-4 three agonizing hours later.

The pattern is crystallizing now: Win one, lose one, win two, lose two. Then another two. Go on the road and win four out of six. Come back to Philly and, fearing criticism, fuck up the home stand. Hide overnight in your mini-manse and try not to lash out at the disappointed fans when the microphone gets stuck in your face.

All this got me thinking about Iran and Islam, and how country stupid Muslims can be. Not stupid like Chollie, the bumpkin who manages the Phillies, but country stupid as in literally having the lowly intellectual capabilities of the beasts inside the barnyard.

How else do you explain the medieval doctrine of Muhaqqiq al-Hilli, currently taught as part of a degreed curriculum at Middlesex University in London, which equates non-believers of Islam with “filth” as low as pigs and dogs, less worthy of sharing the same cup with a Muslim than a horse or cow. Think I’m making this up? This is straight doctrine from “The Religion of Peace”:

“The water left over in the container after any type of animal has drunk from it is considered clean and pure apart from the left over of a dog, a pig, and a disbeliever’
‘There are ten types of filth and impurities: urine, faeces, semen, carrion, blood of carrion, dogs, pigs, disbelievers’
‘When a dog, a pig, or a disbeliever touches or comes in contact with the clothes or body [of a Muslim] while he [the disbeliever] is wet, it becomes obligatory- compulsory upon him [the Muslim] to wash and clean that part which came in contact with the disbeliever’”

Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be drinking from the same trough as any animal. I may love dogs, but I’m not gonna slurp water from the same dish. Hell, I wouldn’t slurp beer from the same bottle as a human, for that matter. Especially Billy Wagner. (Who knows if he fucks those alpacas he’s raising.)

But if you read into towelhead’s assessment above, it implies he approves of drinking from the same cup as a cow or horse – but that non-Muslim? Forget it. He’d rather die of thirst.

It’s hard to believe these people had the clarity of mind to invent algebra.

These are the kind of thoughts wafting through your host’s agile and puerile mind as Ryan Madson and the boys got their ass kicked and rolled over for a two-and-a-half buttfuck of a finale. Fixing this team will prove to be a difficult calculus. Already, the nuclear option – tearing the whole team apart and starting over – is fair fodder for the talk shows and fan forums. That’s why Iran comes to mind. That’s why the boy and I had a few minutes during the drudgery to talk.

Nothing more was going to happen today, but the end sure seemed near.

“So, Caesar,” I said to my son, “One day when you’re grown up, the gas will be gone and there might not be a lot of people driving. Maybe you can think of a new form of energy to power cars and computers one day. Waddya think?”

“I want a pony,” he demurred. “Can I have a pony?”

“As long as you don’t let it drink with any Muslims,” I advised.

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