Monday, April 24, 2006

Hot Dogs, Pork Chops and Pig Cunts

I love to eat dead pigs.

I don’t care if they consume their own vomit or roll around in their own shit. I love pigflesh, all of it. Matter of fact, even if I didn’t like it, I’d eat it just to piss off the religious lunatics who introduced the idea – Jews and Muslims – that people who eat it are somehow “unclean,” as opposed to the dead animals that have their stamp of approval, such as the more socially-refined cows and horses.

But, hey. Who expects any common sense when all that self-righteousness is brought to you by the same pig cunts who sponsor terrorist acts against each other? Confiscating property at the end of a gun or, as a reaction, blowing up children to protest it is just fine, but eat a pig? Why, you just couldn’t go to heaven after doing that.

I’ll take hell with a side of scrapple, thank you.

That’s why Hatfield Dollar Dog Night at the old ballyard gets me squealing with delight. Pig-eatin’ abounds. Fans gorge on swine parts with abandon and slam them down their gullets with copious amounts of over-priced brew and over-sugared soda. A few fans post a scoreboard detailing the rising numbers ingested (although no figures are available on the actually digested ones after the game).

And then there’s Smiley the Hatfield Pig, the mascot for the Mennonite-dominated company that slaughters and encases all those dollar dogs, who made a guest appearance in the broadcast booth exquisitely timed for the 3rd inning, when the Phils squandered an early lead to the Rockies due to Jimmy Rollins mental lapse on a ball thrown his way, which was jokingly attributed to his being distracted by Smiley way up in the booth.

What else was Harry supposed to say? Get this fucking pig Outta Here?

The game, won by the Fightins’ 6-5, is encouraging insomuch that “Backwoods” Chollie seems to finally have struck upon a productive lineup. He batted Ryan Howard fifth in the order again tonight, and again he produced with two RBI singles. His average hovers high at a lusty .355. Chollie had Howard hitting sixth or seventh for the entire month until Sunday, but considering our league-low average with runners in scoring position, you can only “play the percentages” only so fucking long.

Tonight, Chollie did one better and slotted Chase Ugly into the two-hole. He responded with three hits, an early spark against Rockies starter Josh Fogg, who looks like he has time-traveled from the 1860s with those pork chop sideburns – or maybe it was a subliminal suggestion to eat pig, any kind of pig.

High on the hog about the new batting order, the team seemed to – can you believe it – score runs without having to homer. Corey Lidle had ten strikeouts, Ryan Franklin continues to pitch well without steroids, and Flash Gordon, who is now six-for-six in save opportunities, seems to have answered the vegetarians who questioned his ability to save games at his age while still enjoying a short rack of ribs every now and then.


Anonymous ChuckM said...

When I was living in NY, I would from time to time on a Saturday morning catching a Euro-football match at a bar and there is where you see what became of old UK-style NY skinheads. They are well into their 30's/40's and more often than not, sport the ole mutton chops. So, as soon as I got a gander at Josh Fogg, I thought "Wot de bloody 'ell is an old member of Skrewdriver doing pitching for the Rockies?".

Well, well...Uncle Cholly finally came around and set a properly configured lineup. Imagine if Rowands 0-5 was in the 2-hole tonight instead of Chase and imagine
Howard being a leadoff batter or baserunner during innings rather than coming to the plate with men in scoring position. Excellent 6 from Lidle before the 7th inning and as much as the A-team pen wasnt as bang-up as they were on Sunday, they did get the job done as far as holding the lead. Oh yeah, I will give Libby his due for his 8th inning block of a pitch that could have sent the tying run to third. Would Fasano have gotten his bulk in front of that pitch and taken one in the nuts for the team? This came very close to the coveted "routine" victory, and if it was not for the fleetfooted Rox CF and his field play, this would have been an offensive beatdown.

25/4/06 1:01 AM  

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