Thursday, April 06, 2006

It's The Sickness

Thursday, April 06, 2006


“That’s okay, honey, I understand insanity.”

The wife was at it early today. Comcast is giving us sickos a free feed of its exhaustive coverage. I rolled outta bed and demanded the remote. Ahhhh – Cubs and Reds…goodbye, Old Lady!

She made me my scrambled eggs and scrapple, served it with a smile, and I was set. A long, glorious day was ahead. Here we go again, baseball. Let the misery begin. And don’t vacuum while I’m watching, woman!

For one, I don’t mind Bob Brenly, the Cubs color man, especially during breakfast. He’s not as grating as Phillies “color man” Chris Wheeler – easily the most publicly-hated employee in the team’s organization -- and he used to play the game. But after eating all those dead pig parts, I had to mute the chatter and get ready for my night with the Phillies – you know, the team of destiny and all that. The genesis of all my suffering. The encapsulation of all things Philadelphia.

Really, fuck the Cubs and Reds. Tonight, it was Myers vs. Mulder…

Look. I gotta be honest. The high point of the day was when my son, Caesar, came up with a new name for Chase Utley, our second baseman: Chase Ugly. It would be funny if I didn’t ban him from “Toon Town” to eat his dinner and do his homework and watch the game…but frankly, he couldn’t be bothered. He didn’t care. To him, the Phillies were like a boring video game. Always have been.

“I hate baseball,” he confided in a moan that you could have heard through the front door. “I want to go back on the computer!”

What have I done to my son? Here’s a boy that can pick up his violin and play perfect scales, something that would be considered about the wimpiest thing going, yet he can’t sit and watch the fucking ball game with Dad?

You know, in a way, I can’t blame him. He’s trying to free himself from an obvious mental deficiency that has carried from the gene pool.

As the Old Lady says, “It’s the sickness.”

So the Phillies aren’t good enough for him?

Good boy.

The game was pathetic. Too many walks, too many mistakes. A labor to watch. David Bell – David Fucking Bell – was the star on offense in a losing effort. Tom “Flash” Gordon, our new hero out of the bullpen, was a failure and deserved the loss. David “Contract Year” Lieberthal made the last out with the tying run in scoring position. Two games, two losses. Final score, 4-3.

Why didn’t Charlie Manuel pinch hit for Lieberthal?

Why did I wake up?

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a jackass, just like your team.

6/4/06 3:47 AM  

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