Friday, April 21, 2006

Pussywhipped, Pizza-Eatin' Dagos


As far as I know, I am half Italian. I say as far as I know because I was not there at the conception, at least not all of me, and we know the cool people who grew up in the sixties have instructed us that life does not begin at conception. Life begins when a woman declares she is liberated from Who Knows What and begins to fuck everything in sight.

It then follows that a man is liberated when he agrees with all that feminist bullshit and, on top of that, irrationally concedes she is an oppressed minority and abandons his hope of equal opportunity in all public pursuits. That is considered liberal, secular humanist thinking. But it doesn’t get anybody elected anymore except in big, coastal cities.

I’ve mentioned in a previous post that Phillies gum-flapper Scott Graham anointed catcher Sal Fasano as being “in line to become the next folk hero” in Philadelphia. He said it about the same way he would describe Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua, a woman (she’d spell it “womyn” no doubt) who has “liberated” her little doggie with abandonment. And he said it in such a way that implied there’d be an election, just like the type that liberals win in Philly.

Sal was going to be an icon! Just like Frank Rizzo!

I am half Italian…I think…therefore, I have an innate right to demand the guinea-baiting of Sal Fasano stop right now. If for no other reason, so Sal’s Pal’s, his fan club in the upper deck at the ball park, replete with faux Fu Manchu moustaches and long, curly, mullet wigs, can stop reinforcing the pizza-baker stereotype. Worse, Sal bought them what looked like DOZENS of pizzas tonight during the game with the Marlins and had them delivered to his newfound sycophants, something Hizzoner Frank Rizzo would never have done. (He would have sent a fish wrapped in The Daily News.)

That’s bad enough. But what’s making all this worse is Sal Fucking Spaghetti-Bending Scungilli Face Fasano opened the door for an ugly 6th inning to happen in front of a sparse Friday night crowd by allowing somebody named Dan Uggla (he’s Swedish, they tell him) to steal home and, effectively, cost the Phils the game, 4-3.

How’d that happen?

“Looks like he forgot” about the runner on third, Phillies windblower Chris Wheeler said in all seriousness as the replay showed Fasano’s way-wide toss to second base in a vain attempt to nail one of two baserunners. Uggla (“Owl” in Swedish) was, until the throw, standing still near third base. Scarcely believing his eyes, the swaggering Swede sped home and crossed the plate standing up. Marlins 3, Phils 0.

Of course, Fasano’s mistake was compounded because the hitter who was at the plate, Mike Jacobs, proceeded to double home the runner on second to seal the lead at 4 to 0. The Phils came back to score three runs in the 7th and 8th innings, two on fielders’ choices (one on a weak groundout by Our Pal Sal) and the other on a fielding error. Nobody on the team can get a big hit when the money’s down, namely the 9th inning, and that cooked the Phillies, whose penii are flaccid and sphincters tight. Pressure? They wilt like the pussywhipped “liberated” man who has conceded the feminist argument, or, in this case, accepted the stink of Marlin most foul.

“Baseball is such a subtle game,” Graham explained after Jacobs’ double, intimating that if we weren’t paying attention, we’d have no idea how the Marlins scored two sneaky runs that inning. What a douche bag. Scotty boy, nothing about the Phillies is subtle this season. They have not had an easy win the whole month. They are losing to teams like the one in town tonight, whose members, by the way, have a collective payroll of a little more than $14 million, which is slightly more than what Bobby Abreu will get paid this season alone.

And now, the biggest draw in the upper deck is Sal’s Pal’s. Tell you what. As much as I despise Mike Lieberthal, I should make it up to him with a little ethnic love. So I’m getting up early tomorrow to get my outfit at the Jewish “conservative clothing” store up in Bustleton.

Tomorrow night, I’m “Lieby’s Bubby.” Heaven help the feminist Palestinian who lurks on the basepaths!

2 Comments:

Anonymous ChuckM said...

Lou, I dozed off for what I intended to be a catnap and mercifully ended up missing the latest disgraceful display. However, I did hear of John Marzano on his post-game show bagging on...Lieberthal. Now, I will be happy as the next phan once Liebys 7.5 mil is off the books, but he has been diligently raking it at the plate since the All-Star break last season and unlike Paisano Fasano, he has not made 4 blunders behind the plate in limited duty thus far. Also, can somebody explain why a bench player was batting second and Ryan Howard down in the 7-hole last night? I'm really not that fatalistic and do think the Phils will step it up, but they are sure squandering this rather soft April schedule so far.

22/4/06 10:41 AM  
Blogger Tacony Lou said...

Chuck,

No shit! I saw April as a gift to the Phils. Easy schedule. Not for these doofuses (or is the doofii?) And although I'd dig having Fasano as my guy behind the counter at DiBruno's, I rather have Lieberthal up at the plate this month. I thought, at first, Fasano would call better games than Mikey. Maybe he has, but his fattening shit bag of mistakes has been costly.

And really, what the fuck is Howard doing down in the 7 hole? Where did McCovey bat his second year?

22/4/06 4:48 PM  

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