Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Vacant Stare Of A Loser

My Co-Defendant e-mailed me yesterday and assailed my sluggishness in hailing our heroes’ brand new losing streak.

Truth be told, I’ve been a little under the weather lately and have been overindulging in Ny-Quil. Not only does it ease the flu symptoms, as an added bonus, it makes the pain of following the Phillies easier to bear.

After a couple swigs of the stuff, I get a vacant look about the face akin to Pat Burrell’s patented blank stare after being struck out, which happened once during the game last night against The Fucking Braves, a disgusting 5-3 loss in which the opposing pitcher collected two hits against Brett “The Bald-Headed Dork” Myers.

Opposing pitchers, by the way, have been the scariest hitters this season for Phillies pitching. They’re batting – get this – a collective .353 so far this campaign, with five RBIs to boot. Meanwhile, our murderer’s row of a lineup is batting .179 with runners in scoring position.

But back to Pat “The Bat.” I used to wonder what was on his mind after his all-too-frequent futile endings, but recently, my curiosity has been sated after some Internet chat about his after-hours exploits at Olde City nightclubs. Or how he includes his phone number on baseballs he autographs for cute girls.

Of course, all that talk inspired in me this limerick:

The team playboy – his name is Pat
And when he’s not swingin’ his bat
Can be found in a bar
Emptyin’ a jar
While his pants a collegiate unwraps

Yes, in the asylum of lunacy that is Phillies fandom, a little levity and Ny-Quil go a long way.


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