Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Barbequed Gnats


The barbeque was still flaring at the rowhome in Tacony as Team Psycho took the field. It was as hot a day as the team is cold, and chubster Jon Lieber waddled to the mound in a sweat to face the Washington Nationals.

Is it me or does it look like the guy can’t turn down a second helping? Whatever it was that caused his pulled groin, Lieber was done after the second inning, returning to the locker room for a rubdown and a short rack as he perused the Dow Jones.

By the time the houseguests, My Co-Defendant and The Jackal, had gnawed their chicken to the bone, Lieber had already ceded the required homerun to Ryan Zimmerman and one of our three Ryans, The Howitzer, had already committed his perfunctory throwing error, this one allowing madman Larry Bowa’s nephew, Nick Johnson, to score a run.

Backwoods Chollie was giggling all over that one.

“Check er out!” he said on the phone to me. “Their Ryan smacks a homer and my Ryan throws the ball like a smack! Gawdang!”

“Calm down, Chollie,” I told him. “You put Clay Condrey in there – he’ll shut ‘em down.”

And as sure as cows have udders, that’s what happened. As The Jackal - an old pal from my anarchist days who used to serve drinks at Harry The K’s - was recounting how hard it was to get customers to tip him after they paid $6.25 for a beer, Condrey settled in and pitched four solid innings in relief.

The Howitzer redeemed himself, firing a ball over the opposite-field fence to stake Team Wussy to a 4-2 lead. After that, to paraphrase a French king, came the deluge.

By the time all the chicken, pork and cow were consumed in Tacony, the Phils finally – finally – conducted a slaughter of their own, an 11-2 laugher at the hands of the relatively hapless Gnats. Everybody in the starting lineup except for the pitcher had a hit, most notably the suicidal Jelly Roll (two of ‘em) The Fasano Italian Sausage (two) and Dingdong David Bell, who had two RBIs to go with his three hits.

Considering what a ninny Abraham Nunez has been at the plate (down to .161 and sinking), Dingdong has to be beside himself with joy not to have the nagging specter of a viable replacement right now.

For me, it was gratifying to see The Jackal leave happy. His hardcore band, YDI, is still going strong after all these years, and their signature song is “I Killed My Family.” If only all those customers who stiffed him at the ballpark knew…

3 Comments:

Anonymous ChuckM said...

Lou,

I ended up enjoying an unexpected Dollar Dog Night at the park on somebody elses dime. I have to give the game ball to Clay Condrey. Howards timely jacks are almost routine at this point, but 4 innings of zero earned run emergency relief isnt what one is going to see too often and Condrey did keep the Phillies in the game until the bats directly knocked O'Connor out and then went to town on the Nats dogpen. As far as Jon Liebers groin, I cant help but wonder if him not exactly being in tip-top looking shape weight-wise contributed to the injury. I guess that saves Floyds spot in the rotation. Good job by the Phillies bats in laying back, not chasing bad pitches when they were ahead on the count and allowing the pitchers to hang themselves with their own rope. I have heard that Dollar Dog Nights draw a lot of jackasses to the park, but I didnt seem to notice any problems. Maybe all those dogs stuffed into bellies helps as far as the alcohol. I did indulge in the cheap doggies (very good), and I did make sure to dedicate my first dog and beer to The Bambino. The only gripe I had with this game was that we were stuck directly behind these chattering loudmouth verbal diarhea chicks who did not shut up yammering about nothing in loud nasal voices continuously for 8 innings straight. They must have been given free tickets themselves as they paid no attention to the game and you would think that if all they were going to do is yak, they could have went to a local bar. But then again, they did acknowledge what was happening on the diamond whenever one of the chick-magnet Phils came to the plate. The only break we got was when one of them starting choking on something, no doubt from trying to stuff food/drink in her mouth and yak at the same time. In my opinion, you are supposed to kick back, relax, watch the game, get up when its time to cheer etc, but save the bullshitting for inbetween innings. They finally split and we got to watch Franklin close it out.

30/5/06 1:09 PM  
Blogger Tacony Lou said...

Chuck,

Did they swallow?

30/5/06 2:47 PM  
Anonymous ChuckM said...

Naw, total dribblers. Shit was dripping out the sides of their mouths.

30/5/06 4:07 PM  

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