Monday, May 08, 2006

Baseball Breaks Out On Bond's TV Show


If you think that a baseball game televised by ESPN that includes Barry Bonds transforms into anything less than a remorseless lovefest about Barry Bonds you are not paying attention. I did, I took good notes, and it’s all Bonds, all the time.

And why not? Besides carrying Shithead’s bucket-of-tears reality show, ESPN employs corpulent play-by-play blob Jon Miller, the Giants radio broadcaster, so he’s given to gab about His Cattle Fattener ceaselessly. Hall of Famer Joe Morgan, a Bay Area native, sits dutifully at his side and needs no egging on to effuse about The Shrunken Scrotum.

“Anybody (pursuing time-honored records) is going to be treated like this,” Morgan said of the high-decibel heckling the nasty cheater gets in every city except San Francisco. “It’s not a lot of joy, and that’s a shame,” he continued, soiling the memory of the un-enhanced abilities of Henry Aaron and Roger Maris.

Morgan further articulated his Bonds Apologia in response to the not obscene and family-friendly sign directly above the top edge of the outfield wall close to where he plays left field. It read: “Ruth Did It With Hot Dogs And Beer, Aaron Did It With Class, How Did You Do It?” Morgan, clearly not able to think rationally, opined, “Beer was illegal back then, wasn’t it?” Miller, never wanting to offend Little Joe’s feelings – the hallmark of our cowardly, pussy age – mumbled something about Prohibition, and how he couldn’t remember that far back, and thanks for telling him, a-hem, a-hem.

The Phillies could pile on 90 runs and win 19 straight before these guys would report upon the game, because The Barry Game was the feature show, pimpled and all. And when he hit Number 713 tonight in the sixth inning, they spent the rest of the game replaying it, leaving the replay of the homer Aaron Rowand hit waiting until after the next message from ESPN’s Suzy Kolber, who looks more like an impala than the namesake car she hawks for Chevy. (Does she ever wear a dress?)

The homer was just one of four the Phils laid on the Giants tonight, and again they started early, posting an early 3-0 lead on a Bobby Abreu RBI single and a Pat Burrell two-run shot to dead centerfield. It was 5-1 by the end of the second frame, and the ball game was effectively over. Jon Lieber was mostly in control through seven innings, and, besides yielding 713 to Bonds, was charged with three other runs on five other hits. The final score was 9-5.

The Phils’ eight-game winning streak is the team’s longest since 1991. Pumpkin Head was still a relatively-svelte veteran in his sixth season. By the end of that year, he had only 142 homers. After 20 seasons, at that rate, he’d have had only 472 for his career. Then Bob Dylan turned him on to marijuana, and the music changed forever.

Speaking of smoking dope, Miller sure has uttered some confused and just plain wrong things in his time. As the Orioles were about to put down the Phils in the 1983 World Series, he described the stadium as being in “muted silence,” as in “Can you mute that silence, please!” Tonight, he tried to convince the outside world that the ball Bonds hit in the stands “would have went over the hat of Billy Penn in downtown Philly at the end of Broad Street.” I get the hyperbole, Miller. And I’ll even forgive the omission that Billy Penn’s hat is atop City Hall (outsiders aren’t expected to know where the Mayor’s Office is – why would they want to visit a crime scene?) But the bit about Broad Street ending there makes me want to give him a tour of North Philly, treat him to the barbeque at Erie Avenue, then make him walk back to John Street’s bugged office so we can see who won the pool on how many times he got rolled.

Bonds had a chance to tie Ruth in the eighth inning, but thankfully, it wasn’t going to happen in Philly. I wish Aaron Fultz could be loaned to every Giants’ opponent this season when Bonds bats. He struck him out for the second time in the series, and made him look like a woman – not that his genitalia doesn’t already.

He was through for the night, and through in Philly forever, because these teams will not meet in the playoffs, and Bonds will never get that World Series victory. The Giants aren’t good enough. Maybe knowing this, he sat in the dugout, poking his shaven head like a schizophrenic vagrant.

“He seems to be berating himself,” Miller answered, as the fans left early. The game was over for all of them except the real baseball players.

1 Comments:

Anonymous ChuckM said...

I am just disappointed that Jon Lieber had to be the only Phillies pitcher who allowed a hit to Bonds, excuse me, make that "didnt make Bonds look like a cripple". Its not hard for anybody to take one of Liebers 88 MPH movementless, down-the-pipe "fast" balls and drive it out of the park. Aaron Fultz second clowning K of the series was more indicative of Bonds current abilities. I just hope Barry retires as soon as possible and ESPN can go back to merely being the Yankees/RedSox baseball network as the Bonds fellating was just ridiculously over-top, far worse than I could have imagined it was going to be. I am disappointed in seeing how willfully ignorant Joe Morgan is...Good job from the Phillies last night, 9-5 and it could have been 15-5 with a few more two-out hits. Liebers meatballs remain problematic. At this point he is capable of going 6-7 innings and keeping the team in the game against flimsy lineups like the Giants and Marlins, but what happens when he has to face teams that can actually hit?...And how about King Cole? 7IP 5H 1R 10K 0BB. I followed the game on gametracker and the man is always ahead on the count, his balls barely miss the strike zone and he has yet to even get himself in any type of jam. Will we be seeing him this Friday night in Cincy?

8/5/06 10:35 AM  

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