Sunday, May 21, 2006

Beat Into Submission By Bean-Eating Marlins

In case you missed watching Florida dominate your Phillies like an inmate terrifying his bitch during lockdown, Major League Baseball brings you interleague play against the Red Sox, a club in which three former Marlins now ply their craft, crack their whip and beat the Fightless into submission.

Most Willing Supplicant Jimmy “Jelly Roll” Rollins, a measly 1-for-5 tonight featuring three one-pitch at-bats, supplemented those premature ejaculations with two lazy errors that led to six Boston runs, almost single-handedly accounting for the 8-4 loss with his ineptitude.

Contributing to his own demise was Brett Myers, easily suffering from attention deficit disorder, because after Jelly Roll’s first miscue he lost his mind and forgot he was pitching well through five innings, matching Beantown starter and ex-Marlin Josh Beckett pitch-for-pitch. Without the error, he would have needed to retire Beckett to keep his good run going. Instead, he wound up facing ten hitters after Beckett flared a single to right, scoring the lucky runner from second. Clearly rattled, he unraveled and was trailing 4-1 entering the seventh inning.

In that inning, Myers coaxed a ground ball out against ex-Marlin Alex Gonzalez (the one with a pulse), but the mighty Beckett stepped to the plate next and homered, the first dinger by a Boston pitcher since 1972. After Myers tossed up a triple to leadoff hitter Kevin Youkilis, Chollie had seen enough, so he brought in Ryan Madson to fuck up again. Madson got out of the inning, but he had allowed the runner on third to score. Success!

Further accentuating that players named Alex Gonzalez can, in fact, hit balls out of the infield, Boston’s version clocked a two-run long ball off Aaron Fultz in the top of the eighth. He had been hitless in his last 17 at-bats. In the bottom of the inning, as Myers scrunched up his thick Leonid Brezhnev eyebrows watching the game’s conclusion, Ryan Howard smacked a three-run homer to offer a flicker of hope. Beckett was lifted for lunatic Julian Tavarez. It was 8-4, and anything could happen.

After striking out Baby Girl Burrell, Tavarez allowed Shane Victorino and Dingdong David Bell to reach on singles. After David Dellucci flied out to advance the fleet-footed Victorino to third, Chollie played his ass-in-the-hole, deciding to send up our Bozo Gonzalez with two outs and runners on the corners, proving he had lost interest in winning the game. He bounced a weak grounder to third on a 2-0 pitch to end the threat, and a loud chorus of boos rained down upon the clueless “Gonzo,” the fans no doubt tortured at the sight of a .111 hitter still considered a competent major leaguer – and the late-inning “threat” off the bench at that.


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