Thursday, May 11, 2006

A Bucket Of Blood For Pretty Boy Floyd

Every time Gavin Floyd takes a look at the long scar on Aaron Rowand’s face, or his crooked nose, he should remember how lucky he was tonight to get credit for a rain-shortened two-hit shutout win.

Without Rowand’s kamikazee act into the metal fence in center, he’d have dug a three-run hole in the first inning -- certain to have fucked up his scrambled psyche, since he’s been acting like a pussy most of his career and I would expect nothing less after he walked the bases loaded.

While Floyd can breathe easy tonight without tasting his own blood, his centerfielder will no doubt be fitted for a protective mask so he can play tomorrow in Cole Hamel’s debut. Rowand, whose body type evokes Ron “The Penguin” Cey yet plays baseball as if it were hockey, was brought to Philly to show our pretty boys exactly what playing to win means.

If our young wimps didn’t get the message tonight, Rowand should break their noses.

“Hardnosed” is a tired expression in sports, and in Rowand’s case, his snout would be broken even if it were made of diamond after robbing Xavier Nady of extra bases with that catch. Blood gushed from his beak like water out of a faucet. I’m surprised a team owner didn’t try to bottle it for ten bucks a pop at the concessions. Better, somebody should have gotten a bucket and made the rest of the roster drink it.

In all fairness, it seemed to galvanize the team. As Voice of God Harry Kalas said, the proboscis-smashing catch “really had to give Gavin Floyd a lift,” and judging by his next four innings of work, it did. He went on to allow only two doubles, worked out of those minor threats, and better, worked a perfect and quick fifth inning before the flood gates opened up as he walked back to the dugout. A home run by Chase Utley in the bottom of the first was all the Phils really needed, and after a lengthy rain delay, the game was declared officially over, and the Fightins’ won their second of the three-game series, 2-0.

They are a mere three games behind the enemy after their gutless start, and our new personal Jesus Christ turns water into wine tomorrow night.


Anonymous ChuckM said...

That was the sickest play I have ever seen (and I was at the Yankees/RedSox game where Jeter made his legendary dive into the seats). How the hell did Rowand manage to hold on to the ball?... Thank nature for holding off until the game became official as it would have been a crime for that catch to have been for naught. He saved the game and series against our most hated rivals. Despite callow Gavins shaky first inning that Rowand had to pull his nuts out of the fire, he did pitch pretty well and his testes may have dropped some more tonight. He still gets behind in the count but his fastball had some zing to it and the curve he rang up Beltran on was filthy. I guess I'll read in the Dirty News tomorrow what the extent of Rowands injuries are (hopefully he didnt fracture an orbital bone) but the man would probably go ahead and don one of those Rip Hamilton face masks and play if neccesary. If he does have to miss some time, I think Rowands kindered spirit in hustle Shane "The Flying Hawaiian" Victorino will adequately cover for him in the interim. So, the Cole Train gets rolling in Cincy tomorrow night (weather permitting as rain is forecast). The Redlegs do produce offensively but the Phightin' bats should be banging against Williams/Ramirez/Claussen and I should think the Phils should take this series and pick up a game against the Mets.

12/5/06 12:48 AM  
Blogger Tacony Lou said...


The Jeter catch is horribly overrated -- he dove into the seats just to get a cheap feel. Rowand face-fucked the fence. That's love.

12/5/06 7:00 PM  

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