Friday, May 12, 2006

Chollie Fucks With Jesus

Prepare ye the way of the Lord.

His name is Cole Hamels, and Our Savior of the Pitching Staff made his debut against a hard-hitting Reds lineup and allowed but one hit – begging the question why Chollie yanked him after five innings, his evangel incomplete, his lead quickly squandered by Ryan Madson, his predecessor in the rotation.

While he did allow five walks, the Reds couldn’t do much with his preternaturally mature repertoire, which tonight consisted mostly of fastballs and changeups. He made superstar Ken Griffey look like silly-swinging Endy Chavez, and worked out of the small trouble the walks created. Griffey accounted for two of Hamels’ seven strikeouts. But he was pulled with a 2-0 lead.

So why Chollie? Why take the kid out after 92 pitches?

“He’s too skinny and queer-looking,” ole Backwoods told me after the game. “And I kinda feel guilty about Madson. I figgered that boy needed another whuppin’ to feel loved. My plan worked.”

Fortunately, the two instant taters Madson served up didn’t cost us the game – but did cost Hamels credit for the win - otherwise, Rich Dubee’s moonshine jug in the clubhouse would have been drained before the road trip got into the second game. The Fightins’ rebounded, and keyed by Shane Victorino’s four-hit night, the Phils put the game away after Madson’s butchery to win 8-4.

Madson wasn’t alone in the slaughterhouse. Blabbing Idiot Chris Wheeler massacred the language like an axe murderer, describing Reds second baseman Ryan Freel as “a dirtball-type player,” obviously a remark directed at his hygiene and general comportment.

Philosophizing as only he can, Wheeler and Ninny Foil Scott Graham bandied niceties about like Mr. Rogers and his Mongoloid Concubine.

“Every pitch makes someone happy and someone sad,” Wheeler crooned, to which Graham remarked that he should begin copyrighting such witticisms. Wheeler would have none of that, insisting, “I’m not much for sayings here getting published.”

Guess again, moron.

With the volume lowered, the Phils mounted their comeback in the later innings, and after impressive efforts by Ryan Franklin and Arthur Rhodes, the table was set for…Julio Santana?

Santana, looking fattened for the feast, proceeded to yield three walks, which led to two runs. Flash Gordon, who should show Santana how to lose the 30 pounds of blubber around his waist, was called in to preserve the 8-4 victory.

Hamels performed true to his billing. The Phils have a long history of fucking things up, but hopefully with Pat Gillick calling the shots, he’ll stay around long enough to buy a mansion in Gladwyne and put a half dozen Cy Young Awards on the mantelpiece despite Chollie forcing him to carry the cross of his mismanaging ways as he evokes the Second Coming of Steve Carlton.


Anonymous ChuckM said...


I'm going to give Uncle Cholly a pass on that 6th inning decision as I think it was something that could have went either way rather than an elementary blunder. He felt that the Phillies had a chance at putting some more runs on the board. It didnt work though and the BP that Madson threw made Cole look all the better. Hey, at least Cholly was awake enough to yank that slob Santana before Junior Griffey made it a 1-run game (and he probabaly would have). Very, very pleased with Hamels, I'm not concerned about the 5 BBs as this was in cold drizzly conditions with a low mound and there had to be some adrenaline involved in his first start. Nice job of freezing and whiffing Junior Griffey and all in all an excellent repetiore of pitches. Hamels may singlehandedly change the dynamics of the race...Outstanding job by the Flying Hawaiian, dude looks like a leadoff batter to me, esp with J-Roll hacking and slumping as of late. I liked the way the Phils went to town on Cincys dogpen and with the exception of two innings of crap relief pitching (Geary is missed already) this game was highly enjoyable, esp when my cell phone was showing the Mets getting buried in Beer City. Speaking of out-of-shape looking Phillies pitchers, is Jon Lieber going to for once throw something better than his 7 IP 3-4 runs current ceiling tonight, or does that ceiling only apply to flimsy squads such as the Giants and Marlins and we are in trouble when its a team that actually can put runs on the board?

13/5/06 12:16 PM  
Blogger MamaQ said...

Cole Hamels is hott.
That is all.
The Sports Editor's Wife

14/5/06 10:18 PM  

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