Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The Confederate Wife-Beating Gay Boys

My hatred of the Confederacy was inherited from my father and has been justified by my experience.

Good old Dad hated one rebel in particular for a pretty damn good reason. His platoon leader, a proud product of Dixie, tried numerous times to get him killed on various icy hills in Korea. Dad was stubborn. He kept coming back alive, and every time, let Johnny Reb know what he would to do to him if a court martial wasn’t in the way. After three years of inflicting carnage against the Red Chinese and North Koreans, he came home less fond of Southerners than he was of kim chi.

Kim chi he could avoid, but Southerners kept on finding their way up to Philly, and the nuances of the cultural differences between North and South were brought to the attention of my tender sensibilities early in life. My father could do a vaudevillian imitation of a country drawl and warned me away from grits, but most of all, he instilled in me a healthy repulsion of all things below the Mason-Dixon Line. And there was no better way to articulate this than against Confederate sports franchises like tonight’s opponent, the Atlanta Braves.

It should be made clear that the sinister Braves are an assemblage of biscuits-and-gravy-eating perverts whose manager, Bobby Cox, was arrested and pleaded guilty to beating his wife some years ago after he lost an argument with her in the car. It’s understandable to see why Cox was angry he lost something. After all, his ballclub has been successful in claiming division titles 14 years running now, and maybe he forgot how to deal with it. But Bobby boy’s one big loss in the assault department is rarely noted, so I thought everyone would like to know.

Also salient to this report are the homosexual exploits that pitcher John Smoltz has been covering up since he was spotted at the Bike Stop leather bar back in the 80s. Just kidding. But noxious thoughts like that waft about when you take a look at Smoltz, with that bald head and fellatio-inspiring goatee and stand him side-by-side with his nubile catcher. That Brian McCann kid looks like the poster boy of the North American Man-Boy Love Association.

And besides. Harry Kalas called Smoltz “a horse,” and you know what Katherine the Great did with those animals in her boudoir.

Anyhow, it’s great that this team from the heart of Dixie, the Braves, evoke such unpleasant thoughts, real and imagined. It’s almost like a little revenge beyond the grave from dear old Dad. And besides, Smoltz and the Wife-Beater lost to the Phils tonight, 5-4, so I’m so happy I can shit.

Also defecating as usual tonight was Chris Wheeler, whose violations of the sanctity of English grammar and baseball commentary has all the grace of a pederast stalking his victim. Somebody please take a blackboard and a piece of chalk up to him and have him write “First ball fastball” 10,000 times until his nose clogs. Asshole so reflexively uses the overworked adage that he’s wrong easily half the time he describes its alleged occurrence. Take the Andruw Jones homer tonight that tied it, 3-3 in the top of the sixth.

Said Fuckface, “He loves to swing first ball fast ball – oh, it’s a breaking ball” and proceeded to wither away as he gushed about the Braves centerfielder.

Then, in the top of the 8th, Stat Boy blustered without tense agreement that Jeff Francouer was “looking first ball fast ball and drive it.” Again, the first pitch was a breaking ball, and the aggressive Francouer laid off.

But Wheeler doesn’t swing the bat (who knows how many he’s had to duck in the clubhouse) and after Francouer put the Wife-Beating Gay Boys ahead, 4-3, esoteric Frenchman Rheal Cormier stepped in to put out the fire for the Phils. In the bottom of the inning, with the meat of the order hanging out, Chase Utley singled to start the inning and Aaron Rowand parked one to right center to put the Phils up, 5-4. Pat Burrell was no help. Rested for David Dellucci – who better stay away from the Gayborhood until he gets his average above .125 – he came up to hit with the bases loaded and grounded into a double play, doing his best David Fucking Bell imitation to kill an inning. But Rowand’s blast was enough.

“Flash” Gordon, a known heterosexual, put the Pink Rebels down quickly for the save in the ninth. Cox and his Cocksuckers put on the black leather and headed to 13th Street. Punishment was meted out by the awaiting master in candy stripes.


Anonymous ChuckM said...

Yeah, Its always nice to beat the Knaves, especially when that bible-banger homo-obsessed (homo in denial?) Smoltz is on the hill. I only wish Cholly would stop penalizing Lieberthal for that long stretch of suck by keeping him buried in the order, even underneath someone like Delucci who hasnt done squat. Lieberthal smacked the ball all game last night and had he been in the 6th slot, the Phils could have really killed Smoltz in the 3rd. I wasnt too pleased with continued runs given up by field play (especially Nunez not allowing a ball to roll foul) and it should have been 3-1 Phils in the 8th, but all is well that ends well as come from behind wins are fun. Flash continues to walk on water while HillBilly Wagner blows his 3rd save of the year (and is starting to hear boos from the Mutts fans) and Rowand is delivering at a time it is sorely needed. The Phils need a 5-2 or better week in the worst way and taking 2 of 2 from the Knaves would be ace

4/5/06 2:55 PM  

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