Thursday, May 04, 2006

Earning, Not Shrinking, His Stugots

Corey Lidle earned heroic stone stugots today.

Published reports quoted him skewering Barry Bonds, the cheating motherfucker who is about to assrape the record books again by passing Babe Ruth’s lifetime mark of 714 home runs, still a mystic number in baseball lore.

Born into wealth and evidently bred to be a racist, Bonds, who reportedly wears a size 18 hat now (it was merely a “10” when he broke in), has scurried like a roach to do damage control this season to his shit-stained reputation, earned after years of condescending comments to reporters, teammates and fans alike, a cock robin strutting his superiority complex with a pimp’s attitude as he whored the national pastime with the help of his steroid dealer.

ESPN’s “Bonds On Bonds,” a pathetic, self-aggrandizing attempt to “humanize” the “misunderstood” circus freak he has become, is replete with moving moments such as an elongated crying session and other maudlin attempts at exposing his softer side; in short, one long Pity Party for Barry.

Unlike most players, Lidle evidently is not a chickenshit when it comes to expressing his sentiments on better hitting through chemistry in exchange for testicle shrinkage.

"I don't want to see him break records," Lidle was quoted in the reports. “If he breaks them, it will be a shame, because I think when all is said and done, the truth will come out. It hasn't yet, but I think if he was in front of a jury, and there had to be a verdict, I think the verdict might be - with everything that I heard was in that book - I think the verdict might be guilty."

Frankly, if Lidle decided to retire tomorrow, he should be enshrined in the Hall of Fame, Diogenes Department, because baseball has finally found an honest man.

Like they say in the ghetto, he has spoken truth to power.

As for his pitching…well, nobody’s perfect, but Lidle has been a solid performer this year with the best strikeout/walk ratio in the National League. And maybe the reports today proved distracting, as he gave up two quick runs to the hated Atlanta Braves in his start tonight. The Braves, a collection of wife-beaters and fruitcakes (see yesterday’s post), have no known steroid freaks in the lineup, preferring disco drugs in the off-season. Their booties stopped shaking after that inning, though.

Lidle settled down after the Phils tied the score in the bottom half of the opening frame, 2-2, which Pat Burrell ended abruptly on the basepaths by losing track of the outs, the same thing he accomplished over the weekend in Pittsburgh. Greenies are banned in the clubhouse this year, Pat. You’d be well advised to start chanting “Hare Krishna” or switch to a lower grade of whiskey for the hangovers.

But Burrell wasn’t finished yet. His laxity in running down a short fly to left after watching Jimmy Rollins pursue it for five miles started some avoidable trouble for Lidle, but Mr. Stugots worked out of that hairy 6th inning after Pat the Bat’s torpor. Blowhard “color” man Chris Wheeler provided an alibi completely free of syntax, saying “he’s struggling with trying to move.” Come to think of it, if he had dropped the infinitive, he nailed it: Pat’s struggling with trying. Oh, how he hates to get up in the morning to check his bank balance.

Lidle was relieved after the sixth leading 4-3, and Wheeler entered into his head via an alien implant to reveal he “probably used it up emotionally.” Later in the 8th inning, as Harry Kalas was forced to sit with His Idiocy, Wheeler changed his mind and said Lidle “probably was gassed,” implying he was physically spent, as opposed to becoming unstuck with his feelings.

Ryan Howard, who drove in the go-ahead run with his second sacrifice fly (the first was just before Burrell’s nap) gave the Fightins’ more breathing room in the bottom of the 6th with a solo homer to make it 5-3. Shane Victorino, who mercifully replaced Burrell in the 8th, singled in a run to make it 6-3.

The Braves were vanquished, the Phillies are now a .500 team at 14-14, and the big weekend series with Bullshittin’ Barry Bonds and the Giants awaits the hungry, angry Philadelphia fans to savor as every Roman relished their Bread and Circuses. Lidle may not be pitching to Bonds, but the lions await the Christians.


Anonymous ChuckM said...

Finally, in the 28th game of the season, the Phillies bring home a routine win. I am not pleased at all with the continued sloppiness and mental lapses in the field and on the basepaths, but in the end, 5 in a row and finally getting to .500 is a good thing. The comedic highlight of the game was when the telecast showed the Knaves 68 year-old bullpen catcher warming up one of those hapless BP scrubs the Knaves are employing these days. Speaking of geezers, the SF Giants in town. If you are at one of the games this weekend, remember to save a few boos for Tim Worrell

5/5/06 9:25 AM  

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