Thursday, May 18, 2006

Failure To Consummate

Well, Ryan Madson is now 2-for-2 when it comes to fucking up Cole Hamels’ starts.

I’m wondering how long Chollie’s going to stick with the formerly reliable reliever, considering he hasn’t pitched well in a year and a half. Even if the torment was adjudged to continue, why send him in today to get smoked by the Brewers’ high-octane lineup with a recent history of late-inning charges?

Madson ain’t the only one with an inability to close. Team Psycho was back to its routine of erectile dysfunction, leaving 17 runners on base and batting a pathetic 2-for-13 with runners in scoring position, rallies killed by such luminaries as the limp-wristed Alex Gonzalez, who left FIVE – count ‘em, FIVE – runners stranded in today’s rubber game in Beer City. Hopefully, his balls aren’t shrinking as quickly as his .088 batting average. It’s as revolting to watch this guy try to hit as it might be watching one of those obese Milwaukee women in the stands lift a hanging flank to reveal her fuzzpocket.

We saw this lame fuck start in today's 5-4 loss because Jelly Roll has been hitting .191 since April 13. Chollie figures he needs more at-bats to work out of this ungodly funk, but so does Rollins – better near the bottom of the lineup where he slotted Bozo Gonzo. I’ll take a .241 hitter over Bozo’s insanely deteriorating skills any day. Come to think of it, I’ll take the third-best regular hitter for average on this team over either of them. His name is David Fucking Bell, and he went 3-for-3 today with an RBI to lift his number to .279. It’s nice to see Dingdong hit so capably, but check back in a month or so when he’s resting his achy-breaky back.

The Second Coming of Christ continued well today, though. Hamels, while not turning water into wine yet, had a good aura about him through five full innings. He worked out of trouble in the fifth inning when Chase Utley saved two runs with a diving stop of a sharp grounder up the middle. With one out in the sixth and a runner on, he allowed a homer to the immortal Chad Moeller, bringing the Brewers to within one, 4-3. After Hamels issued a sloppy walk, Chollie brought in his Judas to betray him, losing the lead without getting his pieces of silver.

Jelly Roll entered the game in the eighth after Dingdong’s third hit and meekly popped out foul on the fourth pitch. It was over before bong-smoking reliever Derrick Turnbow, a reincarnation of a cigar store Indian, put Team Unconsummated on a bus to the airport, flying back to Philly to face the Red Sox with 25 sacks of blue balls.


Anonymous ChuckM said...

I will not hit the panic button after getting swept in 3 1-run games, but I do remember how the Phillies followed up the last time they went on a tear. Goats of the game were pretty obvious. T-BAG (The bad Alex Gonzalez) and Ryan Madson. Madson has been a pinata all year long, its time for him to be relegated to mop-up until he gets his act together. As far as T-Bag, I am not seeing anything that indicates that he belongs on the Phillies (or anybody elses) roster.
At least Pieman was good for a couple of contributive hits a year. At the very least, if J-Roll chokes with men on base, it will be a pop-up or a whiff on a high fast ball and only one out would be made. Back home to face the Red Sox, lucky for the local nine, they will not face Tim Wakefield and Tito has decided to save Schilling for the first game of the Bankees series. Its a bit too early to be saying "must" but coming off this sweep, it would be well advised for the Phillies to take at least 2 this weekend.

18/5/06 9:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you guys remember last year's run? What was it 12 wins out of 13 games or something like that? The only good run the whole year. 13 out of 14 is pretty damn good, following it up by getting swept has an all too familiar ring to it. I fear it's back to mediocrity, at best, for the rest of the year.

18/5/06 10:31 PM  
Blogger Tacony Lou said...


Their fear becomes more palpable as they look at the upcoming schedule.

19/5/06 10:36 AM  

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