Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Getting Alay


Knowing full well that the Fightless would rather get a lay than win a pennant, the Mets gave them their wish last night.

The New Yorkers threw Alay Soler at them, and it wasn’t because the Phils are fond of chubby Cuban dudes in the sack…well, maybe they are, but more likely they know Team Psycho can’t handle hurlers who have never pitched in the major leagues.

After all, if someone paid you between $7 and $14 million a year to play a game you’ve allegedly become skilled at playing, you can’t expect success against rookie pitchers, especially when he walks the bases loaded with no outs to start the game, which is exactly what the sly, plucky Cuban defector did.

Our hometown Losers weren’t about to fall for that trick – no way, no how - even after lucking into a three-run first inning. They knew it was a dirty communist trick he picked up from Castro. That single he surrendered to Pat Burrell led the optimists among us (are there any left?) to suspect this guy would get yanked before the rest of the crowd made the walk from the No. 7 train and claimed their seats. But our inept heroes were left to wonder: Could it be an act of tomfoolery straight from the Cold War playbook?

Their fate was sealed after second baseman Chris Woodward’s boner on a Ryan Howard grounder allowed two more runs to score, making it 3-0, because Team Psycho knew for sure it was just an act of scandalous subterfuge undertaken by the Mets to lead them into thinking they could win the game.

So they relaxed, as they are wont to do, baseball being such an arduous task, what with all the strength needed to judge and chase fly balls (Does Mommy’s little mango have a boo-boo, Bobby Abreu?) the intellectual calisthenics required to refrain from swinging at the first pitch (You should go poopy before the game, Jelly Roll) and the intestinal fortitude to mount a late-inning with our select group of pinch-hitters (Don’t worry Abraham Nunez, your namesake was also a noted failure before becoming President.)

Showing the effects of a 5 ½-hour workday the previous night, like a construction laborer with a hangover, the team dutifully reported to work. It’s just that they imitated the Mafia slobs working “no show” gigs on “The Sopranos.” Specifically, they did a Vito Spatafore, who, when it came to really doing some work while he was on the lam – with fellating his lover on his mind – he couldn’t handle it. He had to go back to his old milieu, and consequently, he was whacked.

The Mets hitman was David Wright, who got the big hit at the right time, and was 3-for-4 with two RBIs. He homered to center in the third inning to bring New York within one run, 3-2, then got a workman-like single to left to drive in the go-ahead run in the seventh, making it 5-4. It was to stay that way. In détente, you could say.

The Phils last real chance was in the top of the eighth, as Shane Victorino singled, was bunted over to second by freshly-sheered Dingdong David Bell (there goes his superhuman powers) and the rest was left to Nunez and David Dellucci. In other words, it was nearly hopeless, as Nunez has been a disaster akin to the “retired” Gonzo, and The Succubus has obviously parked her ass next to him. How else do you explain a first-pitch foul-out to the catcher? Dellucci, who has showed scattered signs of life this season, ended the inning with a groundout.

With Hillybilly Alpaca Fucker Wagner closing the ninth against the Fightless’ top of the lineup, and considering Jelly Roll is still trying to hit homers, Utley has never faced him, and Abreu plays like he’s on Hugo Chavez’s payroll, you knew it was over, the team’s chances as dead as the fictional Vito, their swings made out-of-whack by Cuban muscle and his Hillbilly accomplice.

3 Comments:

Anonymous ChuckM said...

Lou, I snapped last night after Abreus cowardice in the field and the Phillies making things easy for Solar by their awful hacking. How many outs were made on the first or second pitch? I wasnt keeping count, but it had to be in the double digits. 7 losses and one gimme win in the last 8 games and what is most galling is that most of these games were winnable. The Mets keep finding ways to come back and/or win tight games, the Phillies arent. Its still pretty early in the season but for the short term things aint looking too hot as the Mets will feast on Fish this weekend. I hope the Philies can save face today.

25/5/06 8:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Forget the Phillies, Chuck, they shot their load for the season during their 13 wins in 14 games run, just like last year. For the rest of the season it's mediocrity at best. In just a few games they'll be settling into 3rd place, right where they'll be come October.

25/5/06 9:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anon- I may have to take a brief hiatus from watching the Phillies, but I am not throwing in the towel. They are frustratingly inconsistent as a team, but they did show resiliency last season and thus far this season. Unfortunately, like a tape loop they follow up a hot streak by hitting the shitter, but I do think they will keep in the thick of it, even if at times they drive us up the wall.

25/5/06 7:29 PM  

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