Sunday, May 21, 2006

Ode To A Latin Burn

Much to the relief of Phillies fans, Bozo Gonzalez retired today, and the team began to win again.

Coincidence? Not when you get rid of the Team Succubus, the female demon who set up shop on the bench next to Bozo and sucked the sperm and any ability he had left out of him. The rest of the players like their pussy, that’s for sure, but they sure know a South Philly bar slut from a bitch with horns, hooves and a tail:

The succubus doesn’t diddle your dick for drinks.

Phils General Manager Pat Gillick had to feel a little better after getting rimmed for a quarter-season by Bozo. Now the idiot owners don’t have to shell out most of the $750,000 contract he negotiated in exchange for his four hits every two months. But a succubus can do that to you.

"This is a guy that has had a lot of success at the major league level as an everyday player," Gillick said after his signing in February. “He's a professional who will add some much-needed depth to our infield and provide a strong right-handed bat off our bench."

The “strong bat” hit .111. A “professional” would have spent more time working through his struggles; David Dellucci sure did. Then again, he didn’t lose interest in playing, which Bozo so much admitted in his retirement statement, saying he had “other interests” to pursue. No family problems. No injury problems. No drug problems – “other interests.” Wow. Adios, asshole.

Meanwhile, a joyful Chris Coste was called up from the minors to replace this zombie. Coste deserved the job anyhow after clobbering pitchers in spring training and proving his versatility in the field. Interestingly enough, he is as old as Bozo, has no desire to retire, and is getting his first chance in The Bigs as a 33-year-old rookie. I’m sure he’s seen “Rocky” three dozen times. Even if he hasn’t, his ethic is appreciated here in Philly, because unlike his predecessor, he hasn’t given up.

The Fightless became the Fightins’ again today in celebration of the roster improvement, pounding Red Sox youngsters Lenny DiNardo and “One Eye” Abe Alavarez (so he’s blind in one eye – who cares?) into submission for eight runs in five innings.

Bobby Abreu, who The Old Lady had nicknamed “Corky” a few years back because of his resemblance to Sammy Sosa (don’t forget he used corked bats as well as steroids) finally had a big day, knocking in five runs with a single, double and homer, the kind of day a third-hole hitter should have more often.

Incredibly, Corky hadn’t homered in more than a month – that’s 81 at-bats – and the five RBIs matched the second-best total of his career. The first six hitters in the lineup had two or more hits except Baby Girl Burrell, and even his ground single to the hole came in the middle of a five-hit run that plated four runs in the third inning.

Corey Lidle had a solid six-inning showing, and after Abreu’s three-run homer made it 8-3, even the bullpen couldn’t fuck it up entirely. Ryan Franklin, Arthur Rhodes and Flash Gordon finished it up, and only Rhodes allowed the Sox to score. It ended 10-5.

Chollie refrained from using Ryan Madson, and you got to think maybe Gillick has told him it wouldn’t be a bad idea to retire the misguided mop-up man to the minors. After all, Bedtime for Bozo sure inspired a win. Team Psycho plays better when they’re a little scared.

1 Comments:

Anonymous ChuckM said...

Just got back from this "besides-the-point" game wher the Sox were saving their bullets for the upcoming Bankees series. Happy for the win today, but I cant get too juiced about the bats only getting it together against the bottom of the Sox pitching depth chart. I will thank T-Bag for being a man of dignity and retiring, and I am all for the Coste call-up. Coste can catch, play 1B, 3B or outfield and gives the Phils flexibilty, esp when it comes to when they have to PH for Our Pal Sal (which means all late inning ops vs RHP).

21/5/06 7:11 PM  

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