Sunday, May 14, 2006

One Sick Mother

Team Vomit upchucked their way to another delightful victory today, thanks to illin’ Ryan Howard’s two long homers to center, his Mother’s Day gift to a team that couldn’t find any other way to score against the Reds, a barnyard of bastards raised on a jackal’s teat.

Howard, who loaded up on a pre-game plate of poisoned spaghetti and chili sauce, a Cincinnati favorite, showed Backwoods Chollie the pink puke he had disgorged on his uniform just before game time, and the manager decided he wasn’t sick enough.

“I’ll make ya sick,” Chollie told our young phenom. “You’re gonna be watching Alex Gonzalez replace you. If that doesn’t turn yer stomach, ain’t nothing will.”

“Gonzo” didn’t disappoint those expecting failure, going 0-for-3 to lower his sickening batting average to .103. After watching the rest of the team get shut out on three hits by the queasily-talented Brandon Claussen, Howard wiped the chunks off the pink ribbon on his shirt and declared he was ready to end this nonsense in the top of the eighth inning. The Phils were behind, 1-0, and he pinch hit for hurler Brett Myers, who was looking at a loss after allowing just one run and four hits, an ailing proposition.

Howard, unlike the rest of the fairies who were swinging pink bats for their Mommies, waggled his black stick and unloaded with the first of his two dingers to tie the game. The Reds threatened in the bottom half of the inning, and Ken Griffey jerked himself off in front of all the Mothers after lofting a long fly ball to right, watching the ball arc as he did last night, but again, it stayed in the park. Surely, the more observant of the Cincinnati faithful wished he had saved the masturbation for the trainer’s room, because his antics fooled his teammates on the basepaths, who strayed far from their respective stations expecting a homer. The ball was caught by rightfielder Chris Roberson, who nearly doubled up the closest Reds runner on first.

Howard was the one who got to admire his next hit, as he single-handedly won the game with his second shot over Griffey’s head and beyond the center field wall. Maybe Junior will go blind one day admiring his own spunk, but he got a good look at The Howitzer’s power before he finally turned his team's lights out.

The icing on his Mother’s Day cake of crow came when Griffey lined out to Howard to end the game. He watched all of that one from the batter’s box as well, because it was in Our Hero’s glove in a millisecond, and the Fightins’ celebration was not a bit premature.


Anonymous ChuckM said...

Heres to hoping Pat Burrell hooks up with some Typhoid Mary in Milwaukee on his off day tomorrow, maybe then he will avoid chasing pitches a foot low and foot wide of the plate and swing at something down the pipe. Nice that somebody said "Hell no, I aint going up to the plate with no goddamn pink bat" and took care of business. But hey, it was all good that the Phillies won this series by pitching and defense. A road sweep against a division leading team and allowing but 3 solo HRs while the Mutts barely averted being swept in Beer City and are showing that a Paydro start is no guarantee of a win...oh yeah, memo to Milt Thompson: Tell Alex S Gonzalez to get up to the frigging plate.

14/5/06 8:41 PM  

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