Monday, May 01, 2006

¡Sí, Se Puede!

Team Psycho celebrated “A Day Without A Mexican” by defeating a team without a new stadium, the Florida Marlins, who are situated in a city, Miami, with a large Caribbean refugee population, retired New Yorkers by the bunch and a history of hosting vice and criminality for everyone’s fun and profit.

The team is without a “just for baseball” stadium because this eclectic polyglot has repeatedly refused to prostitute their tax funds on behalf of its whore owner, Jeffrey Loria, who feels deprived because he is “stuck” fielding a team at Dolphins Stadium, which was built by the deceased whore owner of the local football team, Joe Robbie, who, though flush with cash but not humility, saw fit to name it after himself when it opened.

I am compelled to tell you the tragedy that has been Loria’s life because Phillies Voice of God Harry Kalas slipped a little propaganda to his listeners tonight before the Phils mounted an impressive comeback against Marlins ace Dontrelle Willis and won, 8-5.

“Not a very big crowd here at Dolphins Stadium,” he observed, maybe after counting the 6,017 heads that attended the game. “That’s one of the reasons they’re talking about moving.”

Sorry, Harry, but as Whitey used to say, “I wouldn’t bet the house on it.”

The fans weren’t there tonight because Whore Loria dismantled a damn good team – one that used to kick the Fightins’ ass on a regular basis – to cut payroll and make concrete his threat to move the franchise to another city by fielding a remedial team, thus ensuring sparse attendance. Appropriately enough, Las Vegas is a prime candidate for the relocation, and he should be happy there, considering all the johns looking to get their dicks wet. Maybe he’ll get a ballpark designed with a built-in brothel for his well-heeled fans and a blow job bleacher section for the masses. Lit up in neon, it could be quite a sight. The only…ahem…trick might in keeping his players away from the whorehouse.

Trickery is Loria’s specialty, having fucked his partners after he bought a 24 percent share of the Montreal Expos in 1999 and, after a series of shady maneuvers that inspired a RICO investigation (that’s what they use to bust mobsters) diluted the shares of the other owners to raise his stake to 94 percent, like a trollop stealing a wallet from the guy whose drawers were dropped for her performance.

This from the man who co-authored “What’s It All About Charlie Brown?”

Now in a different decade and with a different franchise, this year he has fielded a team that, besides two all-stars, pitcher Willis and third baseman Miguel Cabrera, would be more suited to filling smaller parks in the minor leagues. What he has done is akin to your local butcher telling you that because his customers won’t fund his new shop, you can eat green ground beef for all he cares.

Everyone in the league knows the Marlins are easy marks this season, except when Willis pitches. He truly is one of the best arms in baseball, and, in the Phillies case, can be deadly against a lineup with so many lefthanded hitters.

It didn’t look good from the outset. For one, Phils starter Ryan Madson, entering the game with a hefty 8.05 ERA, seems to have trouble speaking Yiddish with Mike Lieberthal, his catcher.

“They’re not able to get it together right now,” huffed color man Larry Anderson, exasperated. “They need to get it together before the game.” What’s more, Anderson asserted, was that Madson “showed Lieberthal up” last game with his gesticulations on the mound.

All this was not lost on “Backwoods” Chollie, who threw a tantrum in the dugout after the battery’s tiff in the 3rd inning. An out into the top of that inning, he got himself tossed out of the game arguing a close call and headed into the clubhouse to steal Rich Dubee’s whiskey.

It looked like it was going to be more psychosis on Joe Robbie's football field, and color idiot Chris Wheeler sounded like he was dipping into a little of the local reefer after the Marlins staked Willis to a 5-1 lead in the bottom of the 4th inning.

Marveling at Willis’ abilities, Wheeler, abandoning grammar, emoted, “No substitute for that, in any sports, is athletes.”

Tell you what, Wheels. If the roster consisted of 25 fat grannies, if they won ballgames, I wouldn’t want for athletes.

But in the spirit of today’s effervescent Spanish sloganeering, the Phils stole back their 1975 motto, took a deep breath, and with valiant bench coach Gary Varsho at the helm, yelped, “Yes We Can!” just like the Mexicans and put together a big late rally -- just like the Mexicans -- tagging the “athletic” Willis for six more runs, eventually winning, 8-5. His teammates were no help, looking as if they swilled pina coladas in the dugout, balls going willy-nilly when they took to the field.

“Sometimes you need a break in this beautiful game of baseball,” Kalas said, giddily noting Team Psycho’s lucky day without a loss.


Anonymous ChuckM said...

Talk about lightning strikes twice. Last season there was the infamous game where D-Train had chainsawed through the Phillies order for 8 innings and then all hell broke loose as far as Marlins field gaffes and the Phillies scored 10 runs. Last night was pretty close to that as far as improbable wins goes. Another feeble non-quality start by Madson, but hey, there is a guy who actually looks like he is chomping at the bit to come up to the show and he threw a 2 hit CG shutout with 12 K's *AND ONE LONE BB* in Richmond this afternoon.

2/5/06 4:59 PM  

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