Wednesday, June 07, 2006

D-Backs Lose Snake Oil Salesman, Then Game

Could it be a coincidence that the Diamondbacks can’t win after Jason Grimsley, their veteran reliever, had his home raided yesterday by federal agents looking for all traces of the “human growth hormone” he confessed to abusing?

Worse for the Snakes, who released Grimsley after that embarrassment, he ratted out unnamed ex-teammates he’s had since 1989 as he slid down the abyss that likely will end his unremarkable career.

Don’t mind my schadenfreude, because this couldn’t happen to a scummier bunch of ninnies. Any organization that holds up Luis Gonzalez as the exemplar of the franchise’s early accomplishments should have its collective head examined as well as a mass blood-testing.

Gonzalez, you may recall, was a solid outfielder who got better results after he adjusted his batting stance and learned how to pull the ball. In eight seasons before being traded to Arizona for the forgettable Karim Garcia, he averaged just over 13 homers and hit about .275. But the next three seasons with the Snakes, he slugged 26, 31 and 57 – FIFTY SEVEN – homers, an unnatural accomplishment for somebody who once was a skinny kid from Florida. He’s listed as 6’ 2” and 180, but to look at his photo celebrating his lucky hit that won the 2001 World Series, his arms looked like he was injecting some kind of dope.

That’s why it was laughable to see “Gonzo” flailing away this series against Team Psycho. He hasn’t homered in more than 150 ABs this season, and covers his damaged pumps with that homo-erotic purple team tee-shirt. Against Cole Hamels, he looked washed up. Today against Ryan Madson, he got two meaningless singles – in fact, all but one of the eight against Madson were singles, and the Phils cruised to a 7-3 victory, sweeping the D-backs and flying happily back East to D.C. to face the Nationals tomorrow.

Madson looks as if that seven-inning extra-inning effort against the Mets last month might have straightened his shit out. Like Hamels the night before, Madson was in command until he was lifted after 7 2/3 innings. If Myers, Hamels and Madson can become the staff horses, the Fightless might have a shot at the playoffs, because the old-timers on the Mets’ roster are beginning to break down. Wonder who their dealer is?

The Phils must have friends in the federal government beside Supreme Court Justice Alito (an admitted fan), because the timing of the raid on Grimsley’s house couldn’t have come at a better time. Despite splitting the series in Los Angeles, they could have begun swooning again in the desert. The D-backs had just swept the Braves in Atlanta, and their staff ace awaited the Fightless in Phoenix.

Instead, there were 25 players waiting and wondering if their digs in Scottsdale would be the site of the next raid, and maybe edgy about the date of their last injection to recover from those nagging injuries. By the time they play their series in Philly, their asses might be sagging as badly as Chollie’s.


Anonymous ChuckM said...

Sidebar: Remember the incident where the umps confiscated a corked bat from Albert Belle and one of his teammates
crawled thru a drop ceiling in the umpires lounge where the bat was stored to replace the corked bat? That was Jason Grimsley.

7/6/06 10:57 PM  

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