Monday, June 19, 2006

JISM OF LEFTY


Exclusive…

Hamstrung by budget constraints and seeing nothing but a black hole of mediocrity in the future, Phillies General Manager Pat Gillick revealed today the “limited partners” have approved a bold, new strategy to reinvigorate their historically ineffective pitching once and for all.

Codenamed “Jism of Lefty,” the plan calls for seeding tall, left-handed, right-thinking farm girls from Red States with the sperm of Hall of Fame southpaw Steve Carlton. The hope is to produce as many kooky, hard-throwing pitchers as possible just as the limited partners shrivel up and become too aged to count their shrinking millions – a charitable legacy to Philadelphia, if you will.

Like their father, these test tube Cy Young Award winners are guaranteed to be competitive and injury-free, according to Gillick. Sure to be wine connoisseurs with a penchant for wild conspiracy theories, these young hurlers, who are a mere 20 years away from their collective debut, will also be naturally allergic to the media – the root cause of all the Phillies problems, as the partners see it.

“When I hired Pat, I told you scum in the press we have a proven winner with a vision for making Phillies baseball competitive for years to come,” said Dave Montgomery, who, beside Bill Giles, is the owners’ only visible face. “I think Pat’s idea of mating Lefty’s spunk with stock descended from milk-fed veal-eaters is the kind of out-of-the-box thinking we need to ascend to the next level. It’s all the more better they won’t be saying a word to you guys.”

Carlton, who these days tends to his ranch in Durango, Colorado and shamelessly sells his legacy over the internet, was one of the most dominant pitchers of his era, and surely one of the greatest hurlers to grace the mound for the Phillies.

One other Phillies great was considered for the project.

“We tried to convince Robin Roberts to donate to the cause, as it were,” Gillick said, “but he was, uh, shall we say, a little stiff from overuse. The bullpen was not an option, so we went for Lefty.”

For his part, Carlton was no easy sell himself. He spends his days in deep study of political philosophy, and tearing him away from The Protocols of the Elders of Zion and The Unabomber Manifesto was a hard task. But Gillick wouldn’t take “No” for an answer.

“Look,” Gillick explained, “the guy does nothing but yank his pud up in the mountains anyhow. He never wanted to retire, really. So here’s a chance to contribute again.”

At what cost?

“Lefty is a donor,” Gillick said. “Go ask the sperm bank what they offer for a lefthander these days.”

Montgomery tried to allay fears that the clubhouse would one day be populated with a pitching staff harboring bizarre ideas between starts. After all, the current roster has perfected the art of ignorance on the field -- not off. It’s baseball the Phillies way.

“You know, Lefty regrets breaking down years ago and talking to that shit from Philadelphia Magazine about the so-called ‘international Jewish banking conspiracy’,” Montgomery said. “It’s nothing but a bunch of nonsense. Everybody knows the Red Chinese are really running the show, anyhow. They hold most of the notes that cover the national debt. Now the Unabomber stuff, that’s a little more innocent. Back-to-nature stuff, really. Did you know that guy fertilized his vegetable garden in Montana with his own caca?”

But getting back to earth: How can we expect these new Lefties will do? And when can we buy tickets for the 2026 season?

“Well, the fans know how to be patient,” Gillick said. “By the time the staff is rounded out with five Numbers 32s, I’ll be in my late eighties. So will the limited partners. But baseball is a kid’s game. If you have an eight-year-old son, he’ll have a winner by the time he’s 35, 40. We’re looking at maybe 50, 55 years since the last championship. Sure, you guys might be dead, but how many fans croaked while it took us 98 years to win the first one? What a legacy we’re leaving the kids!”

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