Saturday, June 10, 2006

Lasorda Probes Anus; Myers Unwitting Victim

I am a godless fuck, but while I was subjected to a full inning’s worth of Tommy Lasorda during the game telecast tonight, something preternatural crept over me, and I knew Brett Myers was doomed to failure against the Nationals.

It’s a good thing the loquacious Lasorda is not a made member of La Cosa Nostra, because he can’t keep his mouth shut -- rarely is omerta observed when there’s a microphone or an audience to be had near him.

The rotund Slim Fast shill blathered on about himself and his opaque accomplishments: About how an asteroid and a heart institute were named after him; about how six honorary doctorates were bestowed upon him; about how he’d pitch Ryan Howard nothing but curveballs; and, just for a little old-fashioned ethnic tension, about how the kosher Sandy Koufax told him if Dodger manager Walter Alston wanted to win Game 7 of the 1965 World Series, he had “better give the ball to a Jew.”

Did I tell you how happy I am being a godless fuck?

Meanwhile, just as Howard banged a fastball for another opposite field homer in the third frame to tie what turned out to be a 12-inning, 9-8 marathon loss, Lasorda continued to praise convicted racketeer and Junk Bond King Michael Milken (crime pays – he’s still worth $2 billion) about his work fundraising on behalf of curing prostate cancer. After that ass kiss, I half expected him to say the glatt-fed Milken shared Koufax’s sentiments about who should get the ball on that one.

My thoughts drifted away from the game, as I’m certain countless thousands of viewers’ eyes glazed over during this unfortunate lecture and interlude about our mortality. Sure, it’s a worthwhile cause, curing cancer. But do we need to be reminded of disease during the ballgame when for two years between innings we’ve been subjected to that old lady’s asshole cancer story as she’s passing the plate around her dinner table? I’m thinking about cancer, I am! I am! Honest! Now let me enjoy the fucking baseball game!

The Phils’ half of the third inning ended, but fans no doubt were distressed to learn Old Meatball would be back for a second helping of grief in the bottom half. That’s when I knew Myers was doomed and a loss was imminent. Of all things, Lasorda began talking about the game. He confirmed his assumed supernatural abilities when he claimed the ball Corky Abreu misplayed in right the previous inning caused Myers to lose his head and melt down for six earned runs the next inning. Sorry, Tommy. No matter how many informercials you do, even the housewives aren’t buying your telekinetic powers. That’s not this season’s version of Myers, anyhow. You were up in the booth the whole time putting one of those Sicilian curses on Team Psycho, weren’t you? How else do you explain his shortest outing in a year and a half? And after all that, you want me to send Milken money?

The fat fuck’s vexing hex lasted until the seventh inning, when the Fightless got back on their feet and fought back to get the lead in the seventh, keyed by two taters from Chase Utley and Pat Burrell.

Just to make it interesting, the Gnats came back to tie in the bottom half, because what the hell, why not have a few extra innings to clear Lasorda’s garlic-infused hot air out of the place so the Team Succubus can get her groove back on with Team Schizo?

Predictably, in a rare night in which Myers had a bad outing, the Phils lost. But the seventh inning comeback was admirable, if only to get my mind off a bladder problem that still seems to require a probing finger up the poop shoot to verify.

I’m sure Lasorda has had ample opportunities to perfect the technique.


Anonymous ChuckM said...

This game really encapsulated the Team Schizo experience. They were able to storm back from a deficit and take the lead and then failed to get as much as man on base much less scratch out an insurance run or go-ahead run for 5 full innings. Right now, the big difference in the NL East race is that the Mutts usually find a way to nail down these tight games whereas the Philies usually can not. I just wish that being that they lost, they would have lost while Franklin was on the mound (he did a damn poor job in the 10th) so that perhaps Gillick would finally concede that he screwed up and cut his losses by giving Franklin his $$$ and releasing him. Sad to say, the Phillies are team that could come out and sweep the Mutts next week, and then turn around and get clocked by Tampa Bay next weekend...

10/6/06 11:22 AM  

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