Saturday, June 03, 2006

Phils Win, Conduct Post-Game Gang Bang

Scared Shitless was exiled to Scranton yesterday, and just to tempt his own fate, Ryan Madson regressed into his peckerwood routine.

The former reliever cum starter cum reliever cum starter fucked the Phils with fives last night, as in five innings, five earned runs, five hits and five walks. He was pulled with the Fightless behind, 5-3. He sat on the bench in a confused sweat, wondering how long he’d last as the fifth starter.

As the heavens opened and a hard rain fell back in Philly, things looked as ominous in the sun-ravaged ravine in Los Angeles for Team Vomit. After knocking out former Mets’ nemesis Jae Seo after the fourth inning for a 3-0 lead, the Phils faced Dodger basket case Odalis Perez. The demoted starter worked out of a jam in the fifth, and yielded to Fatboy Jonathan Broxton, who chewed through the bottom of the lineup the next inning. It wasn’t pretty, as the Psychotic Candystripers looked as if they were about to call it a night. Bar denizens here in Hostile City were clamoring for a Friday Night Fight in a mud puddle, considering that the local baseball team seemed incapable of punching its way out of LaLa Land.

But the Dodgers made the mistake of sending Danys Baez to the mound to face the top of the order in the seventh. Knowing full well that the chicks at White Lotus in Hollywood only fuck you after a win – well, at least on Fridays - Team Psycho mounted a rare comeback to insure they would likewise ride saddle on a blonde Valley whore by the insanely early 2 a.m. last call mandated at L.A. hotspots. With these drinking restrictions, I have to say Larry Flynt had a lotta nerve comparing the place to Sodom and Gomorrah.

Surprisingly, Jelly Roll started the whole thing with a single to center, the ball taking an uncharacteristic hop up the middle, as opposed to the usual in-air trajectory which his swing demands. A walk to Chase Utley (who had four hits), then a single by Corky Abreu, and all of a sudden, the bases were loaded for Baby Girl Burrell, exactly what a cleanup hitter craves – and in Burrell’s case, almost as much as all that poontang out there.

As Voice of God Harry Kalas likes to describe it, Baby Girl “fisted” a ball (!) to center, scoring two runs. All of a sudden, the game was tied, and Burrell was smiling at first, tripping the light fantastic with Nomar Garciaparra. Just as he asked him if chicks dig Latino vatos with reversed names, Ryan The Howitzer, who earlier had hit his 19th homer, walked to load the bases. That brought Crash Rowand to the batter’s box.

Team Psycho has had a magnificently pathetic track record with the bases loaded, but in all fairness to Crash, he has not been part of the cancer afflicting this club. Further cementing his keeper status, he scored two more runs with a double down the line. After Dingdong David Bell – one of the few hitters batting well with baserunners - scored Howard with a sacrifice fly, it was 8-5 Phillies, and the game was essentially over. As expected, mediocre setup man Arthur Rhodes allowed a run to cross during his inning of relief, but Flash Gordon shut them down in the ninth.

No thanks to Madson, the team won only because it scored all those runs, a rarity because the lineup has imposed too much pressure on itself to compensate for the pitching weaknesses that pockmark this staff like an incurable disease.

So inconsistent are four of five starters that the injured Jon Lieber’s replacement, lefthander Eude Brito, should offer a better competitve balance, if only that Team Vomit has started only two games with a lefty – Cole Hamels – and the jury is still out on whether Our Personal Jesus can hack a season without a debilitating injury.

The Dodgers, by the way, are opposing our 27-year-old rookie with Brad Penny, a hard thrower who drew some interest on the Phils’ trade front in the off-season. If that bad shoulder is troubling him, his 5-1 record and 2.87 ERA sure belies that point.

2 Comments:

Anonymous ChuckM said...

Nice 7th ining rally. Is it me or does it seem the Phils bats have a hard time getting to starters, be they top-shelf or roolies?

3/6/06 9:40 PM  
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