Monday, August 07, 2006

At Least They Didn't Lose To The Cowboys


So here I am, watching the final two innings of tonight’s nationally televised slaughter of Team Shook Up, steadfastly hoping that more shake will be shook.

No, it wasn’t because our Curt-Schilling-in-training Scott Mathieson got banged for seven runs in the fourth inning after he did his best imitation of fat pig Jon Lieber and tossed one five feet wide of Ryan Howard.

And it wasn’t because Pat Burrell looked like an ass during all his at-bats, or Jelly Roll is still swingin’ for the fences, or Aaron Rowand is starting to look like a great big mistake with limited talent, what with numbers reminiscent of Ding Dong David Bell.

It’s because my neighbors are screaming like motherfuckers while they’re watching an Iggles pre-season game.

For a lot of Philly sports fanatics, the first Iggles pre-season game – nay, the first day of training camp - is the beacon of light amidst the darkness of another hopeless baseball season. Do not believe otherwise, because this is truth. Today at the local supermarket, the midnight green, black, silver and white was evidenced in abundance. The customers wore the colors and the clerks stocked the merchandise, the aisles filled with Iggles regalia. As if to punctuate this tribal expression, a young buck wearing a Brian Westbrook jersey barked at a diminutive lady in an SUV who had dared to begin reversing her monstrosity ever so slowly as he was walking behind it.

“Open up yer fuckin’ eyes, bitch,” he screamed, running interference as his young son was walking abreast, all ears for his lesson in Philadelphia courtesy. “Can’t ya see I’m fuckin’ behind ya, cunt!”

Behind something is what the Fightless are when it comes to the despised New York Mets – now 13 games behind -- a team already going through rehearsals for its coronation by network vagina ESPN, its labial cameras resplendently splayed tonight for the Big Dick of Queens.

The Phils, accommodating the Mets so perfectly in their righteous 8-1 reaming, showed the rest of the National League wild card candidates just how easy it will be to roll them the final two months, because that perky attitude the team brought to St. Louis after the bloodletting last week has lost its spunk.

While even I thought Team Schizo might have had a chance for redemption after the first game in this series Friday night, a close victory that could have been construed as a statement to a Mutts team unapologetically full of themselves, the Mets handily disposed of the Phils in the final two games after taking advantage of the two boners by Lieber and Mathieson.

No apologies were needed. Both games exposed the Phillies’ glaring weaknesses: Failure to hit when the chips are down (Game Two) and failure to hit, period (Game Three).

I would say the team has defensive weaknesses, but that wouldn’t be fair. The team has defensive PSYCHOSES.

And it goes a long way in explaining why the Phils are clearly a team that does not believe in itself, which wouldn’t be so bad if the non-believers were rookies like Mathieson who needs to sow his oats before he can ride the horsie with confidence. What I’m talking about are the veteran non-believers like Lieber (who doesn’t believe in diets) and Nunez (who doesn’t believe he can hit anymore) and Burrell (who doesn’t believe someone will actually pay him $12.5 million next year) and Rowand (who still can’t believe he ran into that fence for these guys) and Rollins (who can’t believe he’s supposed to swing only at strikes) and Lieberthal (who can’t believe people might think the pitchers suck because of the careless way he calls a game).

And as the rest of the city gears up for football season – even watching pre-season losses like tonight’s 16-10 bore against the Oakland Raiders – the Phils will struggle with their young pitchers (something they need to do) and with their n’er-do-well-when-it-counts roster of chumps, something we’re all used to by now…and something Pat Gillick warns will be the hallmark of the 2007 team.

At that rate, soccer should make some easy inroads next baseball season.

4 Comments:

Anonymous ChuckM said...

If it wasnt for the horrible pissing away of a game that should have been won yesterday, tonights groaner could have been shrugged off to a green rookie getting shelled and a bad night at the plate from a team that has been bringing the offense as of late. However, in the end, it was another lost series and further humiliation at the hands of the Mets, and as much as I wasnt a fan of Larry Bowa as a manager, you know damn well that dancing celebration *outside* of the dugout after Reyes grand slam would not have been tolerated and would have been answered with some chin-music or a hard takeout. The Phillies face the Mets 7 more times this month and if they have hopes of winning the 2006 NL Stumblebum Sweepstakes, they had better turning the tables on them or at least holding their own.

7/8/06 12:48 AM  
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