Thursday, August 17, 2006

FUCKING NEW YORK


When it comes to New York City, I like the Manhattan architecture a fuck of a lot more than the people inside the buildings. I didn’t always feel that way. I spent a three-year interlude as an eager young adult getting a taste of Times Square and its pornographic splendors amidst the theater district before Sodom and Gomorrah was displaced by Disney’s idea of a G-rated mall lit large by family-friendly neon.

It wouldn’t be fair to say that move by the city’s fat cats was like putting lipstick on a pig, because it did push a lotta whores and their swinging customers away. Who likes walking over wet condoms? But I much prefer the bitches and the sex shops to Niketown or the MTV Store. The garish street walker and the guy buried in the latest edition of “Pulsating Flesh” had a lot more going on upstairs than Kurt Loder ever did. Now there’s somebody that gives me the creeps. Those veejays are vacuous lowlifes.

We all know Mets fans fit that description, too. They were the type of porn shop customer who drove through a tunnel from Queens or some comfy ‘burb in North Jersey or Long Island for the intimacy of jerking off in a booth where a naked lady sat on the other side of the glass.

They didn’t play pinball like Yankees fans. They didn’t read the mags like us social scientists. They jerked off in the booths. They were Mets fans.

And as the same pud whackers abounded in Philly this week to watch their beloved Mutts lose three of four to Team Shook Up, the silence of the hand jobs was deafening at Citizens Bank Park. There was no reason for them to cheer until the second inning of today’s fourth game – a contest they won but doesn’t really count since Scott Mathieson, still in training wheels, was the starter – and even then, there were less of them here than the preceding night games, all easy wins for the Phils, two of them shutouts.

Their 100-mile road trip a disappointment, every night featured mournful, inbred countenances, their obese torsos bedecked in ill-fitting Mets regalia, their mouths shut in resignation as they watched their heroes lose to a team that trimmed six major leaguers from its roster and has been winning with an emerging rookie ace and a third baseman still hitting under .200.

These fuckers need to feel a little more disappointment before they print their playoff tickets – and believe me, my favorite team in October will be any team they face with their aging, injured pitching staff, easily turned away this week by our re-energized Phils.

What really got me thinking this week about the Mets fan base – and hoping bad things happen to them - was the revelation before this series that one of those bungholes sent Ryan Howard a letter saying he intended to shoot and cripple our feared slugger because he was angry he bested Mets third baseman David Wright in this year’s Home Run Derby.

As if having your team leading its division by 15 games isn’t enough, now you want our first baseman in a wheelchair.

New York: The architecture is beautiful; the people, ugly.

Jerk offs.

“It didn’t bother me,” Howard said of the threat. “If he’s writing letters like that, that dude’s got bigger problems than me.”

I’m wondering if the fan is a member of the kooky fundamentalist faith-healing church Wright was shilling for recently in ads that ran during Mets’ telecasts in New York. Church Pastor Jaerock Lee has some, uh, interesting ideas about healing.

“I heard that the liquid of feces was good for recovering my health,” Wright’s endorsee says on his website. “Although its stench was unbearable, I drank it earnestly.”

The good news for Rock is that he gave up the shit-drinking. The bad news is he replaced it with bible study. If you look at his site, maybe you might want to e-mail him and tell him he’d be more convincing if he didn’t contend he had “evidance” (sic) of his curative powers.

Nah, don’t do that. He’s a Mets fan. He can’t spell.

Anyhow, David Wright, went 1-for 13 this series and the well-adjusted legions of Phillies fans allowed him to walk away from the ballpark in peace. No doubt he was meditating comforting thoughts about Jesus and eating shit.

Here’s hoping his team is served up shit sandwiches the rest of the season. They call them “heroes” up there, and they’re twice as expensive as hoagies.

9 Comments:

Anonymous JG said...

Plenty of shit sandwiches to go around when Alpaca Boy pulls his typical postseason choke job. With a rookie looking like their top starter, hopes are ripe to be dashed. Couldn't happen to a nicer group of fucks.

17/8/06 10:20 PM  
Anonymous ChuckM said...

I was at the game today and the Mets fans sure werent acting as cocksure as they were in the past. Come October, I would put my money on Los Angeles over the Mets in either a 5 or 7 game series and this is not due to bias against the Mets.

17/8/06 11:04 PM  
Blogger Tacony Lou said...

The Mets would need the best from Pedro and Glavine to go anywhere against a potent offense like the Dodgers. Somehow, I can't see Endy Chavez hunkering down and going 4-for-4 against Brad Penny. The Phils' annual non-appearance notwithstanding, I'm looking forward to the postseason.

17/8/06 11:09 PM  
Anonymous Bill Baer said...

Hey TL, I found your blog from a thread on PhilliesPhans.com. You probably don't know me, but I was banned there by the smarmy moderator mvpsoft because he and his constituents couldn't handle a differing opinion (I was pro-Barry Bonds). Funny how I never had a problem with anyone on any forum until I came there...

Anyway, I love your style of writing, and you do it well. I'd much rather read what you have to say about the Phillies than some of these airhead analysts you see on Daily News Live (or Jack McCaffery of the Daily Times).

I'm thoroughly pleased with the way the Phillies played against the Mets in the four-game series, and it's given me hope for a potential Wild Card berth. The National League is just so emaciated that just about any team still in the race could potentially end up in the World Series if they get hot at the right time, and that includes the Phillies.

I have a blog myself, at http://baerwcb.tripod.com/ so check it out if you're interested. I've added your blog to my favorites and am anxiously awaiting your next piece. =)

18/8/06 2:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great blog. Being originally from that Mecca of Western Culture called Port Richmond, I understand your writing very well. A cross of Charles Bukowski, Denis Leary and Ring Lardner. Kudos for an entertaining site and forget the ones who are too weak to stomach the word "fuck." Natural selection will take care of them.

18/8/06 10:32 PM  
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