Thursday, August 24, 2006

Jelly Roll Is A Tattletale

Day games are tough on me. You stay up to the wee hours doing your thing after a night game, hit the sack at the crack of dawn, and even before the Ellen Degenerate Lesbo Show runs, the fucking game is on in Chicago.

It wasn’t much of a contest. Our Lord and Savior Cole Hamels got kicked around early and often, and his opposite number on the mound, Carlos Zambrano, the only healthy pitcher Dusty Baker hasn’t ruined during his tenure as the Cubs’ manager, pitched like an ace. Zambrano might end up winning the Cy Young Award this season for a last-place team, always a neat trick admired by Philly fans who still cherish memories of Steve Carlton, vintage 1972.

With Zambrano collecting the easy victory, 11-2, I surfed the sports sections online and found an interesting thought from our very own Jelly Roll, who has been hot as a red barbeque coal during his annual August resurrection, the modus operandi he favors to fool fans into forgetting his usual first half failures.

Jelly Roll’s comments explaining Team Shook Up’s newfound vigor for winning games borders on the scandalous, really, but the author wrote the column so awkwardly he masked the backhanded slap Rollins served the recently-traded Phils – whose exile he credits for the team’s new optimistic outlook. These are all the quotes, so judge for yourself:

"It's the attitude of the team. We have great players. We also lost some great players. And, you know, it seems funny to say that any bit of it is selfish. But in the way they played the game, they wouldn't expand outside their discipline. In sports, sometimes you have to do something you wouldn't normally do in order to help the team win. Some of the players, they came here, they did their job, and it was in the box. It was never outside the box. Now we have a group of players who are outside the box. They play, scrap, I don't care, let's just win. It's a different attitude. It's definitely been the key to this great run so far."

Let’s see. Who could he be talking about? Everybody but Bobby Abreu technically arrived after his debut with the Phils, so when he says, “some of the players, they came here, they did their job, and it was in the box” does he mean every body but Bobby? And, except for starters David Bell and Abreu, just how important was it for pitchers Rheal Cormier, Ryan Franklin and Cory Lidle to play “outside the box?” Were they supposed to DH in interleague? Braid his natty dreads? Go hunting for the Jersey Devil with him in the Pine Barrens?

So that leaves us with Bell and Abreu, because Sal Fasano will be lucky to find work as a mascot next season, let alone a catching gig. Unfortunately, the author didn’t pursue that angle further, instead preferring to attribute Jelly Roll’s upswing as critical to the team’s ascendance. While that’s not false, it doesn’t tell the whole story, leaving the readers wondering what our shortstop specifically thought about Bell’s pathetic at-bats at crucial times the last few seasons and Abreu’s chronic fear of fly balls – but at least the sportswriter will maintain his sources so he can write more nebulous bullshit.


Anonymous ChuckM said...

Odd commentary from a player who has always replied "Thats not my game" whenever it has been suggested to him that a leadoff batter needs to be a bit more selective at the plate? I am happy that he has been currently raking, but would be much happier if he showed up at the plate for more than a month or 2 each season.

24/8/06 8:36 PM  
Blogger Tacony Lou said...


And the reporter let those comments go without pressing for further elucidation. Out of the box? Jelly Roll revolted when he was yanked from the leadoff spot -- or at least had a mean hangdog look for a few days.

24/8/06 10:43 PM  
Blogger GM-Carson said...

I liked Abreu, but I'm glad he's gone. I don't give a shit what he does for the Yanks, all I know is he wasn't doing his money's worth in Philly anymore.

25/8/06 8:04 PM  

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