Saturday, August 19, 2006


Brett Myers' secret came gushing out in private shortly after his confidential life as a wife-beater was exposed in full view of the Boston public.

For three years, clubhouse jock washers the league over wondered who was throwing the adult diapers in the laundry bag; after all, major league ballplayers leave their crack-burned undies in front of their lockers for the little people to fetch and clean, just as they did for their mothers during their extended childhoods.

Every time the Phils hit the road, there was that soaked Depends already in the duffel bag in the clubhouse after games, much to the puzzlement of the help there, who assumed it had to be Chollie or Bill Dancy or one of the other aging coaches with plump prostates. And at Citizens Bank Park, it was no different, except the cleaning guys knew whose diaper it was and kept it discreet. They had witnessed its user’s famous temper, and preferred to keep the teeth they had left in their mouths rather than spill the beans. But they knew all along:

Brett Myers still pisses his pants.

Following his unseemly arrest and after his sessions with Phillies Immaturity Therapist Dickie Noles, the truth was spoken to power – or rather, Myers was honest about the lack of power over his bladder. Noles, who spent most of his playing days in a drunken haze, knew he had found the crux of Myers’ “anger issues,” the excuse drunks usually are given for their alcoholism. If Brett could gain control of his pee-pee, he reasoned, the wife-beating would stop because the anger would disappear. Hell, he might even become the ace the team had long expected him to be.

For two and a half weeks before the All Star break, Myers worked to develop his bladder control and with it, his composure. No longer would he wear the Depends in the dugout or on the mound. He would liberate himself and become a new man -- calm, cool and collected even if the team was going to dump salary and announce it would no longer be a contender.

Initially, Myers came back diaper-free and pitched like a sharpshooter. He shrugged off the few boos the fans hurled his way about the wife-beating and got right back to work. High on life and dry all over, Myers let the bullpen kick back and practically take the day off his first three starts post-Boston. Everything was fine – until the trade deadline.

He had it all under control until the Abreu/Lidle trade. But when he realized that GM Pat Gillick really meant it when he said there were "no untouchables" on the Phils, he literally shit himself in his anxiety, and has not been the same since.

Worse, after Sunday’s drubbing at the hands of the Reds, and tonight’s flummoxing by the Washington Nationals, it has become painfully obvious Myers has had another incontinent relapse. By the time the first inning was done in both games, he was wet all over, not to mention ineffective, confused and lost.

Myers took an early shower after allowing six earned runs in less than four innings of work tonight, applied a cool cream for a rash on his ass, and recited a revised Serenity Prayer in front of his locker.

God grant me the serenity to accept the urine I cannot hold;
courage to serve homeruns when I can;
and wisdom to carry enough diapers.

It will be a long, hard struggle for our hard-throwing and bald would-be ace, but our thoughts are with him and his family. When a grown man wets his pants, we need to hate the act and not the actor.

The Phillies have posted guards at Myers’ residence to ensure that his incontinence does not lead to violence.


Anonymous Bill said...

Nicely done, Lou. Methinks Myers has been chatting with Vicente Padilla on the phone recently. Padilla knows how to be a good drunk.

The pitchers in the rotation can never be on the same page with each other at the same time. When Lieber is throwing up crooked numbers every inning, Myers is pitching beautifully. When Myers is throwing up crooked numbers every inning, Lieber pitches beautifully.

I'd be much more tolerant of these terrible starts if they didn't make up the majority of their appearances. You have a better chance at drawing a royal flush in poker than getting five straight solid starts out of the rotation.

And there were rumors of Abreu for Jason Schmidt before the season...

I understand why Myers is so angry.

19/8/06 12:38 AM  
Anonymous ChuckM said...

Remember how a mediocre team called the NY Mets were such a thorn in the Phillies side last season? In a season with so many "What ifs?" the Phillies 7-11 record against the Mets kept them home in October. This season, the mediocre NL East thorn are the Nationals. The Phillies are now 4-7 vs Washington.

Last nights game showed that Myers is not merely in a slump, he has gone into the shitter with each of his last 4 poor outings worse than the one preceding them. I suspect that this has to do with him being out-of-shape. He faltered down the September stretch last season and looks even heavier this season. I will hunch that if he doesnt turn it around starting next start and pitches poorly, Gillick isnt going to put up him. Myers hates the park, and I read on-line of an appearance he had on his hometown (Jacksonville, FL) rock stations morning program where he was pining to a caller of one day pitching in Chicago or Atlanta (sorry, I dont have a link, but trust me on this), so maybe Gillick will oblige him if he doesnt get his act together pronto.

19/8/06 4:03 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Yeah, I agree with you Chuck. However, you can pretty much point to any loss the Phillies had last season and call it the reason why they missed the Wild Card by one game.

Personally, I point to the Astros series where Billy Wagner blew it not once, but twice, if I recall correctly.

I'm not down on Myers just because he hit a bump in the road. I think he can be a #1 or 2 with Cole Hamels and keep this team in contention for a long time. Myers' upside is a lot better than his downside. However, I would be inclined to drop Myers off on the side of the road if he pulls another incident like the one he pulled in Boston.

19/8/06 5:16 PM  
Anonymous ChuckM said...

Bill, I am just losing my patience with out-of-shape pitchers who can show signs of dominance but in the end roll with mid-4 ERAs. Myers has to start keeping in shape during the offseason. Did you see pictures of him when pitchers and catchers reported this spring?

19/8/06 8:50 PM  

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