Saturday, August 26, 2006

QUICK - SOMEBODY FUCK LoDUCA!


I’m going to pass on reviewing how Team Shook Up’s bullpen failed them tonight and turned a close game into a disaster in the 7th inning. It hasn’t been a habit lately and the Mets have a potent offense. They didn’t lose ground in the wild card chase and I forgive them.

What I’m curious about is whether Mets catcher Paul LoDuca is still getting himself some of that teen pussy.

In case you missed it, you can read all about his escapades here and here and here, but suffice it to say, this paisano likes ‘em young and likes a lot of it at home and on the road.

Do I have any young sluts out there reading this? Then go hang outside the Mets parking lot at Shea Stadium in September and shake a leg at him. Better yet, flash him a little beaver and turn him on to a little blow. I know what you’re asking. For who? For what? Hey, that’s a familiar Philly question. I understand. Simply put, it’s for the Phillies, that’s who. And here’s what for:

LoDuca has about five weeks to help get the Mets’ pitching staff ready for the playoffs. Their two best hurlers have injury issues; another guy takes three hours to pitch five innings; a fourth is a washed-up old man. The rest are rookies and the bullpen is full of other teams’ rejects. Worse for them, the remaining games aren’t all that important to win. They can mail in the rest of the season in and still be assured of claiming the division. Why should Dukey boy even try? Meanwhile, the Phils could -- shockingly -- roll into the playoffs with reformed and more effective pitching tested until the last game of the regular season. If they win the wild card and get out of the first round, their opponent in the League Championship Series likely will be the LoDuca-softened Mets.

Think LoDuca would rather have his little sausage doodled by a recently-graduated nubile than squat on dirt every night as a beefy umpire hugs him while he catches a Pirates reject like Oliver Perez? Maybe New York made Mike Piazza a little queer, but it’s pretty apparent LoDuca likes to be relieved of his seed by girls. Young ones. Real young.

This guy flames out every year after the All-Star break, and this year should be no exception. He'll lose all focus behind the plate. The batting average will dip in September. Watch the dark circles grow larger under his brown eyes. He will retreat as he usually does into the barely legal wet cubbyhole of abandon. And the Mets won’t have a prayer in the playoffs because he’s going to spend his spare time watching Jessica Simpson videos at his girlfriend’s Mom and Dad’s house out in Long Island or performing some other regressive act with a teenager. It could be with you! He has been known to tele-fuck in Philly!

All whores please report to 12601 Roosevelt Ave., Flushing, NY. Here’s a map. Have fun, girls, and remember to make him use a condom. His wife says he sleeps around.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Bill said...

Hilarious stuff, Lou. I couldn't stop laughing as I read this.

I'm with you, I can forgive the bullpen just this one time since they had been performing so well as of late, and we didn't lose any ground unless you're still following the NL East. But that's it, though: no dice.

Is it me or do we seem to have a Rick White-looking or bushy-bearded reliever every few years? Didn't Mike Williams look like White? Jose Mesa could have stood in for Osama bin Laden.

Tomorrow's Moyer-Maine matchup is really the last competition the Phillies will have until their Wild Card berth when they'll play the Padres or the Dodgers from the NL West. Too early? =/

26/8/06 11:05 PM  
Blogger Tacony Lou said...

Way too early. Remember, this is Philly. Disaster looms at every turn.

26/8/06 11:15 PM  
Anonymous ChuckM said...

Lou,

I will also give White/Fultz a pass for last night. Had it been a 3-4 run lead that was coughed up, I would have been steamed, but that game was hardly in hand. I wasnt holding my breath as far as holding a one run lead in a road game vs the Mets for the 2nd night in a row. Blowouts are a drag, but better than losing on a heartbreaking walk-off hit. White and Fultz have been doing their job and middle-relief BP has been solid since Franklin was outta here....note to Bill: I'm not getting all Negadelphian here, but lets not get ahead of ourselves as far as presuming wild card or even anointing the Phillies as favorites. There are ten teams in the mix (including current Central/West leaders) and no matter who looks stronger on paper, baseball is a funny game and in what will amount to a 1 month season, flukes can happen. Before you read too much into schedule matchups, recall 2003 when the Phillies dropped late-season series to the Pirates and Reds and instead of going into that final series with the Fish with a 2.5 game lead, they went in on the heels with a 1/2 game lead. Also, dont forget the Phillies dropping a final week series vs the Mets last season. The Phillies have a decent shot but you dont want to get waylaid

27/8/06 10:55 AM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Yeah, trust me, I've been here for those catastrophic collapses. I don't think going bankrupt would cause me as much emotional distress as the Phillies recent failed playoff bids have.

You have to admit, though, if the Phillies do make the playoffs, they could conceivably go to the World Series. Aside from the Mets, no other team is very far ahead of the Phillies (the Dodgers may be the only one) and the Phillies have played the Mets extremely well, despite the fact that they're going to finish the season with a losing record against them.

27/8/06 11:18 AM  
Anonymous ChuckM said...

True. If the Phillies win today, the season series would be 10-9 Mutts, which is hardly domination, especially considering that each team stole two wins. The Phillies have been able to get to both Paydro and Glavine and if it should get that far, it will be a dogfight and I would feel better about the Phillies chances vs the Mets than if they would play Los Angeles in a 7 gamer. Of course, getting their foot into the playoff door is the elusive task
that has to be taken care of first.

27/8/06 11:35 AM  
Anonymous JG said...

I wonder when the cheering section forms? LoDuca's Lolita's.

27/8/06 3:11 PM  
Anonymous ChuckM said...

jg- That would be much better than (the now former)"The Milledge People" Shea fan group.

27/8/06 3:59 PM  

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