Friday, September 29, 2006

Bend Over, Here It Comes Again


Do you hate yourself yet? Did you make it to work on time? Maybe you drank yourself to sleep?

You knew as well as I what you were getting yourself into last night…this morning…whatever. Major League Baseball, via its evil proxies, the umpires, decided THE SHOW MUST GO ON so they demanded Team Schizo and the Gnats engage in mortal, splishy-splashy combat for millions of drowsy Philadelphians up past their bedtime watching on cable and the 119 fans still hardy enough to remain unseated and wet on location. They sure as shit weren’t from Washington – they were masochists, performing Phillies flagellation “wit,” assembled at the waterlogged modernist monstrosity named for a murdered Red Sox fan – and, if they held out any hope these choke artists could beat a last-place team, they were as deluded as a jihadi who supposes the world would be a better place if we squatted on prayer rugs and stopped eating hot dogs.

Jesus Fucking Christ. Now there was a name invoked bedside as the glow of plasma televisions were doused throughout Hostile City boudoirs a few clicks beyond 2 a.m. as the Fightless meekly went down in a swampy, foggy city-state with a southern accent that assumed governance from Philly a long, long time ago and tonight made the city’s baseball team their bitch.

Let’s be fair to the Gnats. They won it fair and square – relished it, as a matter of fact.

“It's good to go out and ruin their season," said Ryan Church after the game, savoring his midnight home run that gave the Gnats a 1-0 lead. “Now they've got to get on a plane, take a two-hour flight, then strap it on against a good Florida team tomorrow.”

Tell you what. Any alpha male would file that comment for next season and direct a little high heat toward that guy’s noggin. Do you really think our pansies might insist on a little retribution? Fat fucking chance, considering these boys have been every pitcher’s speed bag this year, getting plunked more than 100 times yet…no fight. No bile. No vim. No vinegar.

Yeah, they’ll strap it on, alright. I’m sure they can afford the finest in dildos.

Jesus Fuckup Phillies. Their opposition tonight on the mound was a rookie mediocrity who owned them, a 26-year-old who has allowed 35 percent of hitters to reach base against him. Tonight, the Pukies succeeded to get three hits and two walks off him. They touched him for a run. Bad? No, that was the good part. The bad part was the Gnats relievers, sensing the desperation of a trapped animal, allowed just two hits the final four innings of the game.

Jesus Fuckup Rollins. Jesus Fuckup Victorino. Jesus Fuckup Utley. Jesus Fuckup Howard. Jesus Fuckup Conine. Jesus Fuckup Burrell. Three hits between the six of them. By the way, congratulations, Conine. You’re a Phillie now!

And don’t give me that shit about Howard being the MVP and I should lay off him. Fuck that. I gave him his “props” as the kids like to say. But now he’s swinging at junk and can’t ignore the adrenaline. As Chollie might say, “he’s like a hedgehog that can’t git out from under the water pail. Stuck, like. Confused, as it were.” Frank Robinson could smell blood Tuesday, and, unlike every other manager this month, had his closer challenge him to end the game. Ryan, I love you like a son, but I feel horrible about your choice of profession: You’re a Phillie now!

Oh, what the fuck. Maybe Chollie can drain a bottle of V.O. and settle back for a few nights on Miami’s South Beach with the teetotaling Jelly Roll, and review the season with somebody who compared himself with Derek Jeter, obviously ignoring his team’s results and his championship season virginity, his maiden’s head as safe for another year as his manager's job.

21 Comments:

Anonymous ChuckM said...

Sad to say, for the 4th playoff race in a row the Phillies ended up losing a series in a feeble manner to a weak team during crunch time. I'll wait until shoveling the dirt on 'em until its official, but its looking pretty grim right now.

29/9/06 11:08 AM  
Anonymous rutgers said...

best blog i've ever seen, captures my sentiments exactly. fortunately i'm an unemployed slug who just woke up after an evening of rage where i had to drink myself to sleep

29/9/06 11:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

... By the seventh day God had finished (off)the work (Phillies)he had been doing and blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested...

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29/9/06 12:39 PM  
Anonymous JG said...

Chuck, you realize they will force the issue until the last day. Why not? Where's the pressure? Resurrecting the hopes of the truly retarded, like us, and the final bitch slap will be dealt Sunday as the Dodgers finish off with a win. Pain and suffering are so much better when prolonged. It's only appropriate they play like world beaters now that their fate is in someone elses hands.

29/9/06 12:46 PM  
Anonymous JG said...

With any luck Manuel and Varsho will get caught getting their "Shock collar" freak on at some South Beach establishment. Hence forcing their resignation. Otherwise we may be stuck with Dumb and Dumber for another season of suffering.

29/9/06 12:50 PM  
Anonymous ChuckM said...

jg- Correct. The Phillies are liable to sweep the Fish, pull up to a 1/2 game out by the time the SF/LA game is underway, SF will carry a lead into the top of the 9th,at which time Marlon Anderson will start a
2-out/2-strike rally capped off with a JD Drew HR to give the Dodgers the lead and Bonds will fly out to end the game.

29/9/06 1:02 PM  
Anonymous JG said...

I hadn't thought out the exact scenario but that sounds like it to a tee. JD Drew twisting the knife is about as miserable as it gets. I'm gonna go puke now.

29/9/06 1:10 PM  
Anonymous ChuckM said...

Not only do we have to end up on the rack for our local nine, those of us who followed the Giants/Dodgers game last night got an extra dose of nut-punch. bloop single, walk, bloop single, wp and ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!! The worst thing is that Mike Stanton had been lights out as closer for the Giants and had not given up a run this month until last night.

30/9/06 12:42 PM  
Anonymous ChuckM said...

Hey, at least the Phillies didnt die on the field today and extended their season at least a few hours thanks to Dolphins Stadium dimensions and Victorinos wheels. Memo to Gillick: Think outside the box and go for a closer "time-share" for 2007 where somebody is ready to take over when Tom Gordon peters out. Face it, if the Phillies do miraculously get into the playoffs, Gordon is Mitch Williams take II in the waiting. He is unable to throw his bread and butter breaking ball at this point.

30/9/06 5:50 PM  
Anonymous JG said...

Nothin left but what ifs. Too many to ponder. I'm confident they are finally headed in the right direction. It's been a long time since we could say that. The only thing that can sabotage progress is Monty tightening the purse strings.

30/9/06 9:50 PM  
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