Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Every Night Is Masochist Night

Latino Family Night at the ballpark appears nowhere on the Phillies published schedule the masses pick up at the local WaWa. Neither does Gay Night. But the Phillies “celebrate” these groups on seemingly random dates during the season. For all I fucking know, they have a stealth Pedophile Night when the North American Man-Boy Love Association runs the bases with the kiddies. None of this shit appears on the schedule.

So tonight, your local losers celebrated all things Latino and handed former Phillies disappointment Juan Samuel an award for being Dominican. But let’s get real. Every night is Masochist Night at the ballpark with the Phillies. Need a beating? Watch Baby Girl Burrell whiff with the bases loaded. Want to feel some pain? Watch Ryan Madson throw Lance Berkman a fattie down the pipe tonight to score three runs and kill Team Vomit. Now give us a trophy for taking our punishment.


No amount of jiggly senoritas and their lusty vatos could lessen my pain and torment watching these fuck ups wash another season down the drain. Look, I’m not Latino. I’m not gay. I’m not a child molestor. When’s my night, then? Oh, that’s right. Every night. Every season. It’s all for me. I’m the guy who loves misery. And these impotent shits dish it out generously.

Tonight’s cat o’ nine tails lashing featured the usual litany of incompetence with runners in scoring position. The previously sainted Chase Utley, whom the Team Succubus has evidently possessed, gagged up fur balls again tonight, leaving three runners on base. The consistently pathetic Abe Nunez, once again below the Mendoza Line at .194, killed a bases-loaded rally in the second inning with a Latino-style double play for the assembled descendants of Cortez the Conqueror (and who knows how many were gay.)

And then there was Our Baby Girl, rendered a eunuch this season, flailing away like a confused sissy at Andy Petitte’s big league, manly stuff. Every night has been Gay Night this season for Pat – on second thought, the Gayborhood would never have him. Interior designers love money, and he has plenty of that, but what they really want is a big stick who comes through.

Don’t worry. I’m not forgetting anybody. For all his grandiose achievements this season, Ryan Howard has done the least amount of fan bitch-slapping this year. If anything, his numbers point up the deficiencies of Burrell. Things have to be corrected next year. The Howitzer could stand to have a confident hitter in front and behind him. Utley’s plainly slumping, and he’ll likely recover, so we’re halfway there. But Baby Girl better be diapered and shipped to Kansas City before every evening becomes Angry Black Man Night at the ballpark because the brother is getting pitched around for the playboy and he wants out of Philly.

Have another tequila, Pat.


Anonymous Bill said...

Eh, I'm used to these kinds of losses. It's Manuel's fault. No, really.

Uh, why pitch Madson -- a right-hander -- to Berkman, a switch-hitter who mashes hitting left-handed? Fabio can't be too young to turn Berkman around to the side he hits worse from. It's called playing the percentages, not playing the Age Game, Cholly. =/

This loss isn't going to make or break their season (the three losses to the Nationals and Braves probably will, because they were all easily winnable games), but if this trend continues... something, something, something, we're used to it.

7/9/06 12:08 AM  
Anonymous ChuckM said...

Lou, this season is mirroring last season in so many ways. The slow April, the May hot streak, the post-streak tanking that lasts up to the break, the August surge, the horrid extra innings loss to Washington on the final day of August, the Labor Day week choke job. So, here is what is in store: The Phillies have a very strong road trip and vault back into the thick of it. They come back to CBP with the Phans all amped up and its time for the late-September botch series to a weak team (see: Cincy 2003, Mutts 2005). They drop 2 of 3 to Chicago, drop 2 of 3 to Florida and lose the rain make-up game to Houston. The season will look to be over, but then they go into Washington and Florida, take 5 of 6, but by that time it will be too late and they end up 1-2 games out.

7/9/06 12:14 AM  
Blogger Maria said...

I blame Charlie for alllll of it & Pat of course. Howard gets no pitches to hit because they know Pat is right behind him. Charlie wouldn't allow Fabio to come in & he keeps warming up Flash and not using him. At home, why not put your closer in the 9th inning of a tied game?

The Pads used Hoffman in the 9th of a 0-0 game & ended up winning in the 11th.

Charlie needs to go! & take Pat the Bat Burrell with him.

7/9/06 1:46 AM  
Anonymous ChuckM said...

Bill- The real dopey Cholly move was the decision to IBB Lamb in the hopes of getting a DP when the man who they hoped to hit into a DP just so happened to be perhaps the fastest runner in baseball, Willie Tavares. They should have looked ahead and challenged Lamb in the hopes of not having Houstons most dangerous hitter come to the plate that inning.

7/9/06 1:57 AM  
Blogger GM-Carson said...

You're satrical breakdown of the Phillies amazes me. I take my blog to be funny and leaning on the non-politically correct side, but you go balls out buddy!

10/9/06 8:05 PM  

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