Saturday, September 02, 2006

Have You Considered Retirement, Arthur?

Arthur Rhodes might do well to move back to his birthplace in Waco, Texas and make like its most famous resident, David Koresh.

You remember that weirdo. He was the guy who stockpiled enough weaponry for an army at his compound in that horrible, sweaty little city in preparation for the “Battle of Armageddon” -- every Christian’s favorite version of the future -- then built a nearly impenetrable fortification in the hope of keeping the federal government’s lesbian heifer, Janet Reno, from taking his guns away. While Koresh and his misguided Branch Davidian flock got torched to death by that ugly butch bitch, you have to admit, there was no way people were getting inside that place, and if the whole town didn’t know he was armed to the teeth, he likely would have been left alone and very, very safe.

Like they say, God Bless America.

Rhodes might want to consider that kind of sanctuary, because the way he has pissed away ninth inning leads lately, he will soon be washing egg off his local domicile’s door if Team Shook Up misses out on the wild card by a game or two. Well, let’s hope it’s only egg, the weapon of choice employed against Mitch Williams’ house by transgressive fans after his legendary choke in the ’93 Series, because it is unbearable to watch this guy pitch as a closer and I’m afraid various other foodstuffs in Philly remain uneaten or regurgitated after each of his failed efforts.

Garbage in, garbage out. Hostile city, shitty pitcher.

Until Rhodes became part of the rotating “closer by committee” triumvirate after Tom Gordon went down, the Phils were 60-0 in games they led after the 8th inning. Gordon’s absence hadn’t been as glaring with all the runs the team has been scoring, but in tight games, forgetaboutit, this team won’t come close to the playoffs.

The other two excuses for closers, Ryan Madson and Aaron Fultz, shoulder some of the blame for this sick combo’s failings, but it is Rhodes, the alleged wily veteran of the bunch, who is getting burned for the big innings, and it’s been going on all season long. And Chollie keeps trotting him out there. Old Backwoods needs to look at his shockingly pathetic numbers, most of all his putrid rate of 1.68 walks and hits per innings pitched (WHIP), the best gauge in my estimation of any pitcher’s effectiveness. Translated in a non-sabermetrical way, this crusty old pro is apt to put two runners on base every inning he pitches, and that’s a fact, Jack, obvious to anyone watching the games. Using that predictor, it’s safe to assume Rhodes flirts with disaster every time he steps on the mound. Contrasted with Gordon’s 1.20 WHIP, the difference is severe. After the first game of today’s doubleheader, the gap widened.

Here’s a radical thought for Chollie: That 21-year-old midget in the bullpen named Fabio Castro has a WHIP as big as a dwarf’s pinky at 0.83. He has allowed six hits and one earned run as a Phillie in 18 1/3 innings. Somehow I think the Braves’ immortal Adam LaRoche might have had less experience facing this secret weapon, and was gratified to see that fat home run ball Rhodes served him to win the game for the hated enemy-in-decline.

Arthur, do us a favor and fake an injury or use your excuse from last year, you know, the “family crisis” alibi, leave town, take the month off, and let Castro dictate in your place. Open a fucking Arthur Treacher’s somewhere in Texas and leave us alone.

We would prefer to use the eggs for breakfast.


Anonymous JG said...

Chollie's "confidence reinforcement" is going to cost this team the wildcard. The mismanagement of the pitching staff has directly cost them the last two games. It should cost him his job. I think very good managers do more for their teams in not losing games than they do for winning games. Chollie is flat out incompetent. To think I thought he actually did a very nice job last week. Welcome back to reality, or is that misery?

2/9/06 7:34 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Ew, Arthur Rhodes! Get it off! Get it off!

The team, that is.

2/9/06 9:02 PM  
Blogger Tacony Lou said...


And you will continue to read and hear the orthodoxy that managers do not win or lose games, the players do; or that Jim Leyland would not have done better with this team, when it's plain he would not make the fundamental mistakes Chollie does.

2/9/06 9:53 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

My, oh my. Where, oh where would the Phillies be without an overpowering offense?

It seems the starting and relief pitching can never be on the same page. When the starters are going well, the bullpen is giving away runs at liquidation prices. When the bullpen is going good, the starters can't make it out of the third inning.

Hopefully you were fortunate enough not to watch the travesty of a ninth inning in the first game of today's doubleheader. At least we won, though.

3/9/06 4:33 PM  

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