Monday, September 11, 2006

Snake Bitten

Five years ago today, I awoke in Phoenix, Arizona to my clock radio alarm at 5:30 a.m. and moments later, heard the news about an “airplane” crashing into one of the World Trade Center towers.

Okay, that’s where I was and everybody knows the rest. The baseball season was suspended for a week – one of Bud Selig’s more intelligent decisions. Meanwhile, everyone contemplated exactly why a bunch of murderous lunatics with grievances convinced themselves six dozen virgins were waiting to fuck them in heaven if they wiped out 3,000 innocent people during their suicide. And how many of them we’d have to kill to avert further catastrophes.

It’s depressing, World War III.

That’s why the Phillies give me such great joy. The world may have changed forever that day five years ago, but the Fightin's remain the same. You know, they give me endless chuckles, they really do. But I am not amused when I hit chat rooms or forums about baseball and the inevitable “Off Topic” thread rears its ugly head, because the internet is such a compartmentalized creation; if you want to argue about Israeli foreign policy, or tell the world how much you hate George Bush, or wonder what size burqa is appropriate for that insolent bitch wife of yours, why would you pose those questions on a baseball site, other than to provoke people?

You want a provocative site? Hit Aljazeera’s home page. Eat a pork chop and have a ball.

Which brings us to the 2001 World Series Champion Arizona Diamondbacks. Remember them? If your memory is cloudy, and you’ve been watching the Phillies fumble in September again against the Marlins, let me get your choler up.

The D’backs finished that season 92-70 and won the West Division flag by two games over the Giants, the latter’s steroided monster, Barry Bonds, made moot by Arizona’s twin whirling dervishes, Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling, both 20-game winners who went on to share MVP honors in the Series after terrorizing the Yankees in seven exciting games. Ably assisting in offensive support was the ridiculously over-pumped Luis Gonzalez, who hit 57 homers that season but finished second in the league to his brother-in-chemistry Bonds, who hit his fraudulent 73 that season.

So, let’s review. The Diamondbacks, a team that had existed for only four years, won the World Series. Gonzalez, their right fielder, who had averaged 13 homers in eight seasons prior to his trade to Arizona in 1999 and discovering muscle-enhancing pixie dust, hit more homers than any other player in National League history – besides Bonds, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, the three other “naturals.” And, in the coup de grace, one of the two golden arms on their pitching staff came courtesy of the engineering marvel known as the “Ed Wade Trade” – that would be Herr Schilling. I remember Phoenix went into mourning for a month after having to say goodbye to Travis Lee and Omar Daal to get the Schill.

Meanwhile, in Hostile City, our team has won one championship in 123, and soon, 124 years; has not won 90 or more games in 13, and soon, 14 years, hasn’t had a 20-game winner in 23, and soon, 24 years, and the one true glittering milk-fed star, Ryan Howard, is having his historic season marginalized by the numbers put up in the Steroid Era, which reached its pinnacle in that unforgettably tragic year of 2001.

It’s uncannily coincidental that as the world was “changed forever” by those halal homicidal maniacs who violated every rule of civility, the steroid freaks were simultaneously and silently busy killing the innocent competition of a game that is prescribed by rules that helped make it a meaningful and enduring pastime.

If I were dictator, I’d make the whole bunch of them – Bonds, McGwire, Sosa, Gonzalez – wear burqas the rest of their lives and sell hot dogs at the ballpark. If I caught their hands in the till, I’d chop ‘em the fuck off.

Allah Akhbar, motherfuckers.


Anonymous JG said...

Mourning Travis Lee and Omar Daal. I think i've heard it all now. Wait a second, nevermind, I hear Gillick bashers and Comedulce lovers calling (i.e. the irrational thinkers).

11/9/06 9:03 PM  
Blogger GM-Carson said...

Travisty Lee was just released by the Devil Rays. You kno wyou fucking suck if Tampa Bay is releasing your worthless ass!

The Phillies suck, and I guess I love their suckiness.

12/9/06 7:53 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Why can't the Phillies put the lid on series they already have won? They just can't seem to sweep anyone.

I will give James credit, though, he pitched very well tonight.

Rollins had a great first at-bat, but his last two were U-G-L-Y. He's like Jekyll and Hyde at the plate these days, though he's having a great season.

If you're interested, I wrote a little something on Howard, though from our discussion on your previous blog, you probably disagree with it.

Click here.

14/9/06 11:52 PM  

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