Yo Gnats: I Got Your Derailment Right Here!

I would have shared my lamentations yesterday with you, dear reader, as they were multifarious and horrible, but the monster that hosts this publishing service was about as useful as Baby Girl Burrell. You know what I mean – just when you think it’ll start functioning as expected, it lets you down, then you try again, it frustrates you, until you finally say “Fuck it!” and give it all a rest, hoping that’ll solve the problem. Worse comes to worse, you can always replace it. All things considered, it’s better than Burrell, because it won’t set me back $9 million just to disappoint me. It’s free.

But back to more pressing matters. See, after that Gene Mauch dream, and after watching the Astros beat the Phils yesterday, I’m sorry to say the impending sense of doom is returning. Our next opponent, the Washington Nationals, was involved in a train derailment on the Amtrak last night, and that only forebodes bad things for Team Psycho. You know the old baseball saying: Unlucky on trains, lucky against Philly.

But the Gnats will have to use that advantage without the specter of the Larry Bowa Family egging it on the field. Bowa nephew Nick Johnson is out for the year with a broken leg. You’d think that would be an advantage. That beefy bugger can hit.

Then there’s the pitching matchups. Tonight, Brett Myers faces off – did I just use a hockey analogy? Yeah, I did – faces off against the ever-lasting and brilliant Ramon Ortiz, who has served up 31 homers this year. You’d think that would be an advantage for a team whose top six hitters in the lineup average 26.7 this season.

And if you were a betting man, you’d have to say Cole Hamels and Jon Lieber stack up nicely against Pedro Astacio and Mike O’Connor. You’d think.

But, alas, this is the Phillies. I half expect Frank Robinson to start a beanball war just for old times’ sake. He’s practically out the door. He’s 71. He’s tired. He’s never won a thing as a manager.

But worst of all, he was standing at the plate when Chico Ruiz stole home against the Phillies in the sixth inning of a game on Monday, September 21, 1964. The Reds won, 1-0. For the Phils, it was the first of ten straight losses, the beginning of the Mauch Mens’ historic collapse.

Fuck you, Frank Robinson.